2016 already.  Been a while. Things are going well. Been redecorating/remodeling the house.  I see the Enemy about every three months or so. I decided out of the blue that I no longer needed to share my thoughts with him. He really likes my art and wants them in a small gallery. I don’t see anything but people do. I think the pictures are odd with no meaning. We’ve made two photo books from the art, which Enemy has. His friends like them. Really don’t know how I would feel if the pictures were seen by strangers. I could post them here just for the heck of it. I’ll think about it.

I’m doing O.K. Medication seems to be working fine. People who know me say that I’m doing very well.  I seldom ever take xanax. I take an anti depressant and Latuda plus supplements. I do not work which is my normal. My husband works for a high tech company as a computer engineer which affords me to be unemployed, that and my degree in child development would pay nothing after taxes. Cheaper to stay home and maintain the house and pets. We have company from time to time which keeps me busy. It’s like a bed and breakfast – I don’t do breakfast – people keep coming back and staying longer!  I’ve added a lot of work-out machines to my rec. room which people like. My newest one is a rowing machine which is fun. I’ve gained weight which is frustrating because my eating habits really haven’t changed and I’m not eating in my sleep as I once did.  Could be menopause. I’ll be 55 in another month. I am worried about gaining weight at this time as I see a lot of women gain weight as they get older. My appearance on the outside is very important to me as I feel very uneasy on the inside. I guess if I look O.K. on the outside, people may not know how truly messed up I am.  Being a blond with blue eyes doesn’t help!

WordPress has changed since I last posted, so I’ll make this short to see how it looks.


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Do Not Use the Optum Rx mail order pharmacy!!!!!

United Health Care insurance has changed it’s mail order pharmacy to OptumRx.  Do not use this pharmacy!  I received a 3 month supply of Lamictal that is all wrong.  It isn’t the same as the other Lamictal generics I have taken for years.  I called the pharmacy to find out where this particular shipment came from and they said it could have been from Isreal or another country as they out source their medication. Hello! Where is quality control?  Out sourcing medications, how horrible is that. I called the manufacturer  (TEVA) to find out who processed this and they asked for the Lot number. Every medication has a lot number, but guess what? This one doesn’t have one!  They told me to call the pharmacy – OptumRx and OptumRx had no clue what the number this was from. They explained that they buy it in bulk something about 60 pounds and it could come from 2 countries. I know it can’t be from the U.S. because it is so incorrect. I called this morning and insisted on the lot number and they said they would call back with that information. I told them that I was Fed Exing this to the FDA to find out what was in the pills.  Horrible company. I got online and found two websites with hundreds of complaints.  Am I surprised? NO!!! Medco was so much better! For $30.00 more, I will get my Lamictal from my pharmacy which only buys from the major companies in the U.S.


Their phone number is 1-855-7718

Posted in bipolar disorder, mental health, OPTUM Rx mail order pharmacy, United Health Insurance 3 month pharmacy | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

D.I.D. and the mind.

"You Don't Say"

“You Don’t Say”

I read this article yesterday while looking for information on the creative mind of D.I.D. and also “non-communication of alters”. It’s http://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2012/08/a-story-that-doesnt-hold-up/ .  I have a 50/50 mindset about if my moods have personalities by themselves or do I just have mood swings that have their own way of communicating like highly creative individuals.  I’m really in the middle of this process of trying to realize what would be best for me – regarding therapy or just embracing myself as to who I may be. At my age (52) isn’t there a process of looking back and forward at your life?  Have I met my expectations of who I am or am I going forward to discover who I may be in the next 10 years.  I’m really struggling with this.


People throw the term “ those old people…”  Where do I fit in?  I look at my face in the mirror and see old me and at times I see a happy young me.  Of course there are the rare days I really don’t recognize myself at all.  The more important thing is that my husband recognizes me every day.  He loves me unconditionally.  We just celebrated our 32ND anniversary last Thursday and he continues to tell me how much he loves me.


I feel awful at times knowing that I have not lived up to my expectations, even in the past year of therapy.  I don’t think the Enemy knows what to do with me at the moment.  He asks if I give the “others (alters) “ time to talk or something to that nature.  I simply don’t know what he is talking about.  I know my new medications stop a lot of the communication I had years ago, but my behavior at times is very telling of the adverse situations I find myself in after the three day episodes I have from time to time.


Art therapy would really help and I don’t understand why insurance won’t pay, even 50% would be of help. The only session I went to brought out too many moods and I felt embarrassed in a way.  Sometimes I think if Enemy were to ask me to draw how I’m feeling the days that I come in, maybe he could get a grasp of who I am.  Diagnose me or simply talk to me more and stop staring at me from time to time.  I get a little frustrated that I’m supposed to do what ever in therapy just for 40 minutes and than leave until the next week.  Granted I can call or email at any time, but feel stupid when I do.  It shouldn’t have to come out in emails. I also have been told I play “games” (in 1978) which is indoctrinated in me from Straight Inc.  I can’t help but believe what Straight Inc. said to me.  Are you a sponge at 17 or was I to not listen and crawl into myself?  Did I let myself down and believe I really deserved to be put away for something I couldn’t help? I didn’t do drugs.  Why didn’t I run away when I had the chance?  I am at a loss.  This is a difficult 3 months of summer every year as in relation to being put in Straight Inc. 35 years ago.  I so wish I could be hypnotized to forget it ever happened.  Maybe I could believe in myself again.


I am a good person.  I raised two extremely successful daughters.  I had a home daycare and raised several children successfully.  I maintain a loving relationship with my husband and my friends.  I do love my friends, especially after all of the deaths we have been through this past year.  It brings into perspective how much their presence in my life contributes to my well being.  The time I was going to leave this earth/existence for good left me thinking of the people I would have let down.  It is still an option I know and an easy door that is now open, just a crack.


On a positive note, besides walking as exorcize, my husband and I bought two cool bikes and intend to start riding.  My first trip in my neighborhood left my legs feeling like rubber.  I could see my feet, so I knew they were still attached.  No marathons for me.  I have a basket on my handle bars for my Chihuahua which she seems to tolerate.  Little does she know that I am not skilled with the art of turning at corners.  I don’t understand the brake in the front nor the “21” gears.  What’s up with that??  We have a lot of trails in the mountains to explore, hopefully down hill where someone can pick me and the bike up and return us safely to our car on top of the hill/mountains trail. I will not wear a helmet.  I feel my brain is already damaged enough – what else could harm it? It doesn’t matter to me. I also think hats on me look geeky. So, I am willing to try to get out of my comfort zone currently.


Mind choices – do they exist?


Posted in alter's/colors, art therapy?, bipolar disorder, D.I.D., dissociative identity disorder, mental health, Mental Illness, MPD, multiple personality disorder, personality disorder, psychology, psychotherapy, "The Enemy",psychologist, Straight Inc. | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Just a visit…..

So my daughter and future husband will be here tomorrow afternoon.  My back is burning  as I write this blog.  Am I stressed about this upcoming event???  I called the liquor store to ask if they had a straw that would be long enough to let me drink from a 1.5 oz. bottle of wine during the BBQ.  Everyone knows what happened the last time this male friend of my daughters conversed with me.  I have thought this one through and have concocted a plan that will perhaps make this 2 day event tolerable – XANAX!!!!  I just take .5 or 1 mg. Every 4 hours and life could not be more simple.  I think my husband and Enemy said to put the liquor away.  Wine does not count as liquor, it’s just juice with a kick.


My Tuesday Enemy appointment went alright.  I had my husband come in to trouble shoot what was going to happen tomorrow and Friday.  That’s where putting away the liquor topic came up.  We both mentioned that I don’t drink liquor, but I do drink wine.  Apparently I do drink liquor while I am having an “episode” or checking out for 3 or so days.  My husband was pleased to tell Enemy what a great dinner I had made one night. Enemy didn’t seemed impressed.  My husband also mentioned that after these “events” he thinks I need to get away for a short time, as we have in the past.  We have been going on a lot of trips/holidays this year.  There really wasn’t much accomplished during the appointment.  Enemy doesn’t dust the furniture and I took the opportunity to write “HELP” on his shelf next to where I sit.  I doubt he’ll see it.  I wonder how many skin cells are in his couch.


I am going to catch the news – our area is on fire – again!  Too many forest fires in the summer.

Posted in bipolar disorder, communication/repercussions, D.I.D., dissociative identity disorder, mental health, Mental Illness, MPD, personality disorder, psychology, psychotherapy, "The Enemy",psychologist, Straight Inc. | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Dysfunctional Family

DSCF0697Dysfunctional Family definition –
Psychology: “A family with multiple ‘internal’–eg sibling rivalries, parent-child– conflicts, domestic violence, mental illness, single parenthood, or ‘external’–eg alcohol or drug abuse, extramarital affairs, gambling, unemployment—influences that affect the basic needs of the family unit”

My daughter recently told me that our family was dysfunctional. Mental illness is the only class that fits our family. She is 27 and independent while having a successful career. But we ( my husband, 30 yr. Old daughter and I) am dysfunctional. I did not respond, thinking I should go see my psychologist and psychiatrist first and pick up all of my psycho. Meds. I don’t know why she would say we are dysfunctional! We are to have a BBQ in a couple of weeks with our daughter from Texas and her fiancé while they come up for a visit. It was to be at my daughters club house, but they imposed a $100.00 deposit which we felt unnecessary. This decision was deemed “dysfunctional” by my daughter. I have issues with my 30 year – olds fiancé and will be on good behavior even when he says despairing remarks about minorities. Last time we spoke on the political subject, I had to leave the room. The next day my daughter apologized, yet I felt disrespected. If our family is dysfunctional, I am happy as I think the perfect family could be certifiable nuts. Who is perfect any more with the DSM IV clogged up with every behavior under the book . It’s the little comments that bother me lately. I usually don’t comment and just feel sad for a few days if not longer. What was the point of referring our family dysfunctional?

Enemy went off about my psychiatrist last Tuesday. He said my PDOC was skating on thin ice and that he was unethical three times saying “unethical, unethical, unethical”. My PDOC is neither of the above. He just won’t engage in a conversation with the Enemy. I felt like a child being reprimanded. Two days after the incident I called Enemy and told him what I thought about the character assignation. He probably could care less with what I had to say.

My husband will continue to handle my brief exits from life and hopefully keep me from emailing Enemy during those episodes should they happen again. Since we don’t know the cause of them, this will be a challenge. I have faith everything will be O.K, after all we do live in a dysfunctional family and have to keep up with appearances!

I still feel the depression and sleep is a challenge and getting worse. I am convinced the Latuda is no longer working, or as my PDOC said it will take time for the depression to go away. I am functioning which is a good sign that the depression isn’t at a 100% as I’ve been before. I wish we could move to a small community island for a while and just get away from people. I am uncomfortable around people and everyday living. I wake up and wait until I can go back to sleep often. I’m sure a lot of people feel the same. I am tired in a way I can’t describe. It’s crazy when I have everything I could need and the weather has been beautiful. I do keep an active life when my husband insists on taking long walks and doing projects around the house and garden. We will be having a BBQ today with a couple of friends. No stress with friends.

Did I mention how beautiful it has been here in our area of Colorado?

I really must post this as I wrote it last week. I just haven’t been in the mood to share my thoughts, nor would I know how to.

Posted in bipolar disorder, dissociative identity disorder, DSM-IV, latuda, mental health, Mental Illness, MPD, multiple personality disorder, ocean, personality disorder, psychology, psychotherapy, "The Enemy",psychologist | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment


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“I Hate You”

Sunday Afternoon

Sunday Afternoon

>So, my episode was informative this time. This is what I emailed to Enemy:
Why didn’t you call? I never call and then I did and you were imresnposive. Really encouraging. You ought to get a second person to handle your nuts – crazy persons. I’ve have had 3 shots or more of brandy and something else, so the phone is off. Did I ever tell you that I hated you. Cutting down Mark was mean. You continue to
let me repeat conversations I have already had with you – why waste my time. Still haven’t been reimbursed any money since February. One payment we mad in full because you said I wasn’t there. So I’m honest when I’m on stuff. Did you know I hated coming there and wasted my time? You never ask me to do any thing.

Your answer is going to be generic as always with the … WTF? man up to what you want to say for a change. Oh, that’s unethical isn’t it? Bull Shit. And your office is boring. Have you been to the a high end furniture store? Stuutherbees is worth trying. You office sucks.

More Brandy, apparently Xanax isn’t kicking in as of yet. You never tell me to come in straight or any thing either. you are a bore and never hear me speak. I say a lot. you probably don’t want to hear – it is called selective hear? Or old age? ———————————————————————————————————————–

I have no idea how Enemy took this information. In his line of business I’m sure this is a normal occurrence. Honestly I would love to be that honest every time I come into his office, but I’m a wimp and only mention his office furniture once and a while. I never hate anyone – not in my vocabulary.

How this last episode started we speculate is that the death of my friends mother and my future son-in-law berating me about my politics and his perfect ideal of how the world should be run – there lack of all immigrants. During that conversation I kept hearing one thought that said “don’t say a thing”, but finally I stood up and told him that I did not have a job, SS benefits ( I have little) and no retirement ( I have a Roth Account). I left the room to play with his kids who were upstairs and away from this insensitive jerk. I couldn’t get over it and was a tearful for days after ward. Too much at one time and apparently my thresh hold is very fragile as well.

I take 1 Xanax in the afternoon as prescribed. What happens after that from time to time is anyones guess. I never mean to check out. I fully expect to wake up or rest for only an hour at most, generally 20 minutes listening to the radio.

After I wake up ( come to) I can’t find lost time. My husband will tell me of some of the things I did or said, but I walk on tip-toes for days. This time I really feel on edge by having little information of what triggered this episode. We believe it was the death and bereavement. I worry this will happen again since I have no way of knowing what proceeds the event. I realized yesterday I had the urge to take a few medical enhancements so that I could erase what Enemy did in therapy Tuesday, but thought this may be what gets me into the “episodic state” of mind. I’m trying very hard to not have it happen again.

Enemy was having an off day, my guess, Tuesday. He berated my PDOC again but went further saying that he was on thin ice and said “unethical” at least three time. Enemy just can’t get over that my PDOC is not intimidated by him and will continue to follow the HIPPA law unlike he. What else happened in therapy Tuesday? I watched a bird out side of his window and told him a handle on a piece of furniture had come loose. He indicated there may little he can do for me and something about a 72 hour hold if I need one, indicating the episodes I have. Fuck him. Both my husband and PDOC will not let that happen. My husband will not call Enemy and I will will myself to never email or call Enemy again.

I am disappointed this behavior continues after therapy of a year. The bill is still a wreck – they now owe us $1100.00 and probably $200.00 more for a coding error. The sun is often very bright and hopefully will keep me stable enough to quit this therapy. I do not wish to hear about my PDOC who has to intimidate Enemy, possibly income level bothers him if I can put a twist on it. He’s questioning my ethics I’m sure. Fuck him again. He pretends to care about my progress, yet I haven’t changed at all. I am working on emotional things myself. He’s not given me any tools to implicate in my treatment. Why do I continue to go? He’s my last chance of joining the human race as acceptable and not to alienate my friends.

I’m tired of being in the mental health service. Perhaps I should concentrate on medication and forget about washing the demons away. Who knows – they may be there for a purpose, however they continue to be dysfunctional.

Posted in alter's/colors, bipolar disorder, D.I.D., mental health, Mental Illness, MPD, multiple personality disorder, personality disorder, psychology, psychotherapy, "The Enemy",psychologist | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment