My new medication is not working. I am wanting to zone out more and more often. I wake up wanting to get the day over with and go back to sleep. My PDOC said a while back that I am becoming resistant to the medications for BiPolar stuff. Sure, after most my life, my mind is probably saying enough is enough. I can’t feel sorry for myself, but I am so tired. I have two art projects to implement but have no energy to do it. Have things to read but have no interest. Need to make my dogs their dog biscuits but have no energy to do this. I haven’t worked out since I think Sunday. Today I will at least do a few machines. I just want to sleep. I was taking Focalin but it is a controlled substance and I don’t feel good about taking that kind of a drug. It was a good fit for me. Very expensive. It did give me energy. I wonder if I should switch psychiatrists. I am tired of not getting better since my last manic episode. Maybe I’m comparing how great I felt to how bad I feel now. Why can’t people let me live in a manic state? I didn’t shop and blow money. I did remodel the house and my husband did decide to take several trips while I was so open to being out and about. Normally I don’t like being away from home too much. True, I don’t remember some of the time I was in my manic state. I did hit a low in the middle of it and told my friends that I loved them and not to leave me. It was about that time that they thought my husband should take me back to my PDOC. They took my fun away.
Being manic wasn’t bad. I’m very creative. I don’t understand my art but everyone likes it. They think a lot of it is “dark”. My writing is different. I like writing things with double meaning. Waking up after only a few hours of sleep ready to start the new exciting day. I never know what was in store, but it was always very exciting. Eating was never a problem, I seldom ate. I had so many ideas I couldn’t wait to share with anyone who cared to listen – even those who didn’t! I did find that my dogs weren’t happy with me when I would wake them up in the middle of the night for a chat session. My husband learned to sleep with a pillow over his head.
God, why was I born this way?