Well, I had my 55th birthday yesterday. I have been depressed about having accomplished so little in life. All of my friends have careers or are retiring. When people ask me what I do, I say that I am retired. I have had a few jobs but nothing in the field that I would do well in. Oh well. People tell me I look like I’m in my 40’s. That perks me up a little. I feel I stopped maturing at 16.  I guess that is O.K. as long as I have little interaction with the real world. My weight has been bothering me. I weighed 117lbs. in December and have gained 6 since then. My eating habits have not changed. 117 was even heavy for me as I am five feet five inches tall and very small boned. My PDOC prescribed a medication I was on years ago that helped to lose weight on top of being a mood type drug. If OptumRX filled it properly, I should have it next week. It takes them up to three weeks to fill prescriptions. I did pay for one to be over-nighted but they never did.

Planning a trip to Florida for my fathers memorial in May. He died a few years ago. I did not attend the funeral. I was there when he died. Family rift at the time. My father went into the hospital for knee replacement and was sick until he died. They botched up the recovery and he never did recover very much if that makes sense. I wonder how the doctor lives with himself with this knowledge that his carelessness killed my father. Probably happens often. My mother could have won a nice tidy some but she didn’t want to deal with it. I know the hospital was relieved.

I think about dying. I want to die before my husband. I can’t imagine living without him. We’ve been together since 1976 and married since 1981. People are surprised in the mental health field that someone like me can be married still. I guess a lot of people with mental illness get divorced. My husband was born in Taiwan and lived there his first 12 years. He was still learning English when I met him. He used to sleep talk in Taiwanese. His mother didn’t like me for a long time because I was American. It was when I had my second daughter, that looked just like my husband, did she begin to like me. I’m blonde and have blue eyes. How my two daughters ended up looking anything but like me I don’t know.  Both are very successful in their careers. One is getting her masters degree. I am very proud of them. I wish I had continued in school, but my husbands career got so busy, staying home with the kids was our priority.

I’m taking an online course on creative writing for children. People have said to me forever that I would be good at writing books. I like young children. I like people who are not phony which children generally are not. I like people who aren’t afraid to speak their mind as long as they are respectful. I wish I could speak my mind at times. I have had friends in the past that are very opinionated and will let everyone know it. I wish I could speak my opinion. I think Straight Inc. did a number on my mind. Oh well. I don’t know what kind of book I may write. I like colors as much as I like the written word. I do write odd things from time to time that comes to me. When I try to write though, nothing happens. I can’t think of anything to write. My aunt was clairvoyant and had the same thing – would sit down and write what was presented to her. It doesn’t make sense at times but people see stuff in it like the pictures I make. Maybe I’ll post them.

Time to watch the national news. Trump is interesting to hear about. Yes – do build the damn wall! Marijuana is legal here so we don’t need the drug cartel any longer. I’m voting Rubio if he is still a candidate in November. Don’t know why, just like him. Don’t really follow politics but Trump has been fun to watch. Democrats want to tax us too much, so Clinton is out this time, although her husband is still cute.



About crystallball7

Creative,some say "eccentric", dark sense of humor,sensitive. Never the same for too long. Running from lost time. Longing to be on the beach, at the ocean, New England. Afraid of life, extremely afraid of life.
This entry was posted in alter's/colors, bipolar disorder, mental health, Mental Illness, psychology, Straight Inc.. Bookmark the permalink.

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