Group text from my psychiatrist to his colleagues sent to me by mistake

I received a weird text the other day and thought perhaps my psychiatrists phone was hacked. I kept reading the texts as they came in and finally called my psychiatrist a few days later fully expecting him to say it was hacked. Imagine my surprise when he told me it wasn’t!  It wasn’t meant for me, just another psy. with my same first same name. Several were texting but I will only write the disturbing one between the shrink and nurse shrink. My respect has diminished as you will see. I have half a mind to write her full name and contact info as I was able to find it quite easily.

My Psychiatrist :  I need details on your private practices. What insurances do you take? I’ll give you good referral. Some self pay some insurance. What are your phone numbers to reach a private practice?

Reply from one :  Patty. Cash. Only. $200 an hour. 100 fir 1/2. Friday’s only. No bad bpd or yuk bad SA. Please. Boulder. I am good. HaHa.!! I am best of us 4.

Then she followed it with icons of a shoe, lips, cat with heart eyes, face with heart cheek (?) twice.

My psychiatrist wrote back : Patty gets a kiss because she responded first.

Patty: I have waited 15yr fir fir a kiss JPPppp.

Patty: A glance at Tink Tattoo would suffice.

Patty: Since I have all your attention. Kinda. How do we do taxes for priv. Pract??

 

So, this Patty seems like a very uncaring person. The BPD stands for borderline personality disorder and SA stands for substance abuse.

After my psychiatrists reads my text to him about this he writes back : “Yikes. That was a thread between myself and my semi crazy nurse practitioner. Obviously one of them is slightly deranged. ”

No apology. I bet Patty is embarrassed or she should be. I looked her up and she brags in her bio that she has seen over 8000 patients in 12 years and is a christian. I have half a mind to rip her a part in a yelp review, but will not stoop to her level.  What kind of person is so immature that says such crap about people who would come to her for meds.? How hard is that?  Cash only on Fridays….under the table?  We have casinos around here. Legalized pot.  She must be in her late fifties or older by looking at her picture.  My psychologist said that people should be careful what they put in writing. These two should be very careful.  My husband said I’m too sensitive. Maybe I think “bad” people with mental health disorders should not be discriminated against. Maybe she’s the type who prescribes heavy doses of meds. that knocks you out – the ones that puts you in a fog throughout the day. And then my psychiatrist just brushes it off. If I wasn’t so invested in him I would think about changing, but I’m not going to risk getting a “Patty”. Maybe I’ll write an anonymous complaint about her in a few months just for fun. Really, if you are burned out in your line of work, get out!  We don’t need you. I  do get that these people don’t give us a thought once we leave the office, but they should give a crap when we are there for the thirty minutes. It’s my brain we are talking about. Chemicals they are putting in my body that will have a long time effect and maybe a life time effect.  My daughter still shakes from Zyprexa that was prescribed to her years ago. I’m so tempted to write her name.

So, that is my experience from the darker side of the psychiatric spectrum of the planet.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bipolar – who wants it?

My new medication is not working. I am wanting to zone out more and more often. I wake up wanting to get the day over with and go back to sleep. My PDOC said a while back that I am becoming resistant to the medications for BiPolar stuff. Sure, after most my life, my mind is probably saying enough is enough. I can’t feel sorry for myself, but I am so tired. I have two art projects to implement but have no energy to do it. Have things to read but have no interest. Need to make my dogs their dog biscuits but have no energy to do this. I haven’t worked out since I think Sunday. Today I will at least do a few machines. I just want to sleep. I was taking Focalin but it is a controlled substance and I don’t feel good about taking that kind of a drug. It was a good fit for me. Very expensive. It did give me energy. I wonder if I should switch psychiatrists. I am tired of not getting better since my last manic episode. Maybe I’m comparing how great I felt to how bad I feel now. Why can’t people let me live in a manic state? I didn’t shop and blow money. I did remodel the house and my husband did decide to take several trips while I was so open to being out and about. Normally I don’t like being away from home too much. True, I don’t remember some of the time I was in my manic state. I did hit a low in the middle of it and told my friends that I loved them and not to leave me. It was about that time that they thought my husband should take me back to my PDOC. They took my fun away.

Being manic wasn’t bad. I’m very creative. I don’t understand my art but everyone likes it. They think a lot of it is “dark”. My writing is different. I like writing things with double meaning. Waking up after only a few hours of sleep ready to start the new exciting day. I never know what was in store, but it was always very exciting. Eating was never a problem, I seldom ate. I had so many ideas I couldn’t wait to share with anyone who cared to listen – even those who didn’t! I did find that my dogs weren’t happy with me when I would wake them up in the middle of the night for a chat session. My husband learned to sleep with a pillow over his head.

God, why was I born this way?

Man In The Crowd

I am driving when a cop turns on his lights. Amused I pull over, turn the ignition off, fiddle with the glove box, knowing how cops hate this activity. “Ma’am he says, please keep your hands where I can see them.” I look at my chewed fingernails, thinking when was the last time I had them manicured for such an encounter with the cops. He asks the customary questions – license, registration, insurance, all of which I fumble to find in my old Chevy, a gift from a previous relationship long ago. He glances in my back seat at my trash and empty cigarette packs, lucky I threw the the beer and empty whiskey bottles out at the last hotel. He comes back with my license and asks if I know why he stopped me. I am so tempted to say what comes to mind but I refrain myself and say “no”. He says something about speeding and letting me off with a warning, winking at me as he gives back my license. I put the car into first and leave gravel spewing behind.

The little boy was screaming as the waves took him farther out to the ocean. His little blond head bobbing on top of the waves less and less as time went by. Finally a jet skier pulls the boy up out of the water. The boy looked both frightened and relieved to be safe in the arms of his rescuer. The sun was just setting, allowing the boy to see his worried parents waving frantically on the beach. There was a chill in the air, happy hour was ending as I grabbed one more whiskey sour and walked to the cabana just in time to see the sun kiss the ocean.

She never saw it, the truck barreling down the road as she discussed the birth of her grandchild. The cop held onto the handle of the truck, as the driver slammed into her vehicle. Her slippers neatly placed next to her husbands beside her bed at home. I flipped off the cop and walked away.

He sits beneath his favorite tree pondering his tomorrows and forgetting his yesterdays. He knows he will have fewer tomorrows than yesterdays and knows the glass of whiskey is half empty. The game is in its third quarter. Why hasn’t the game gone further? It has been days now and still the game is in its third quarter. He hears a voice say the game is over and has been for quite some time. But he thinks how could this be? He still has half a glass of whiskey and the game is in its third quarter. There is no fourth quarter. Is today yesterday or tomorrow? The sports paper recounts nothing of the game.

I see her hiding in a corner, out of the sight from city pedestrians. She has big brown eyes, twirling her pony-tail aimlessly with her fingers. She doesn’t speak a word but watches intently as people walk too close by. Something about her tells you not to speak or step into her carefully hidden corner. Something is lurking close to this child, but helpless, I to walk away. The girl seems not to notice and continues to twirl her hair watching the people walk by within her grasp, yet she remains safely hidden in plain sight.

A crowd gathered watching intently. Who was he? Was he alive? Where did he come from? Surely he wasn’t from this town. His suit indicated he had a job in a factory outside of a less populated city. He wore shoes that of a working class family man. But here he was in this old town, population of 2089, 2090 if you count the old man on a breathing ventilator waiting for his family to give him his last rights, etc. No, this man was indeed breathing and beginning to move. With one quick movement, without a word he stood and looked around. A small white and black dog appeared and joined him, as he walked slowly out of town He said not a word to the crowd.

 

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Well, I had my 55th birthday yesterday. I have been depressed about having accomplished so little in life. All of my friends have careers or are retiring. When people ask me what I do, I say that I am retired. I have had a few jobs but nothing in the field that I would do well in. Oh well. People tell me I look like I’m in my 40’s. That perks me up a little. I feel I stopped maturing at 16.  I guess that is O.K. as long as I have little interaction with the real world. My weight has been bothering me. I weighed 117lbs. in December and have gained 6 since then. My eating habits have not changed. 117 was even heavy for me as I am five feet five inches tall and very small boned. My PDOC prescribed a medication I was on years ago that helped to lose weight on top of being a mood type drug. If OptumRX filled it properly, I should have it next week. It takes them up to three weeks to fill prescriptions. I did pay for one to be over-nighted but they never did.

Planning a trip to Florida for my fathers memorial in May. He died a few years ago. I did not attend the funeral. I was there when he died. Family rift at the time. My father went into the hospital for knee replacement and was sick until he died. They botched up the recovery and he never did recover very much if that makes sense. I wonder how the doctor lives with himself with this knowledge that his carelessness killed my father. Probably happens often. My mother could have won a nice tidy some but she didn’t want to deal with it. I know the hospital was relieved.

I think about dying. I want to die before my husband. I can’t imagine living without him. We’ve been together since 1976 and married since 1981. People are surprised in the mental health field that someone like me can be married still. I guess a lot of people with mental illness get divorced. My husband was born in Taiwan and lived there his first 12 years. He was still learning English when I met him. He used to sleep talk in Taiwanese. His mother didn’t like me for a long time because I was American. It was when I had my second daughter, that looked just like my husband, did she begin to like me. I’m blonde and have blue eyes. How my two daughters ended up looking anything but like me I don’t know.  Both are very successful in their careers. One is getting her masters degree. I am very proud of them. I wish I had continued in school, but my husbands career got so busy, staying home with the kids was our priority.

I’m taking an online course on creative writing for children. People have said to me forever that I would be good at writing books. I like young children. I like people who are not phony which children generally are not. I like people who aren’t afraid to speak their mind as long as they are respectful. I wish I could speak my mind at times. I have had friends in the past that are very opinionated and will let everyone know it. I wish I could speak my opinion. I think Straight Inc. did a number on my mind. Oh well. I don’t know what kind of book I may write. I like colors as much as I like the written word. I do write odd things from time to time that comes to me. When I try to write though, nothing happens. I can’t think of anything to write. My aunt was clairvoyant and had the same thing – would sit down and write what was presented to her. It doesn’t make sense at times but people see stuff in it like the pictures I make. Maybe I’ll post them.

Time to watch the national news. Trump is interesting to hear about. Yes – do build the damn wall! Marijuana is legal here so we don’t need the drug cartel any longer. I’m voting Rubio if he is still a candidate in November. Don’t know why, just like him. Don’t really follow politics but Trump has been fun to watch. Democrats want to tax us too much, so Clinton is out this time, although her husband is still cute.

 

Optum RX – Don’t Use them

Again, this is an incompetent pharmacy. In the past two years I hold my breath each time I send in a prescription. The latest one my doctor wrote three scripts for the same medication, for three months. He writes it the same way for other patients and has no problems. This pharmacy would only fill it for one month and charged me an additional $22.00 because we wanted brand only. It only comes in brand only so the doctor did not check the box that said brand only, but it is in my records that I receive brand only as I don’t want my medications manufactured in third world countries. They called my doctor to verify that it was for three months. He called them back to verify this and verify the brand only, yet they did not correct their error. The last straw was when the rep. put me through to the pharmacy and the pharmacist was explaining the issue and the rep. cut him off! I can’t imagine how the pharmacist reacted on his end. They knew to send out the whole order. I just gave up and stopped taking the medication as I was not going to pay $122.00 per month due to their total asinine work ethics. I still have to get my Lamictal brand only from them which we never know if it will be correctly processed. I am fortunate to be able to get samples of one of my medications. I should be on another one, but just don’t want the aggravation of dealing with these horrible uneducated people.
Good luck to you if you have to deal with them. United Health did a dis-service to all of their clients when they signed up with this horrible pharmacy. I pity the reps. who have to work there, they must not last too long. Imagine having a job where their employers don’t tell them that they are representing a company who gets their drugs from war torn countries!
Again, don’t sign up with these people if you don’t have to. Your local drug dealer on the street can provide you with safer drugs!!!!

2016 already.  Been a while. Things are going well. Been redecorating/remodeling the house.  I see the Enemy about every three months or so. I decided out of the blue that I no longer needed to share my thoughts with him. He really likes my art and wants them in a small gallery. I don’t see anything but people do. I think the pictures are odd with no meaning. We’ve made two photo books from the art, which Enemy has. His friends like them. Really don’t know how I would feel if the pictures were seen by strangers. I could post them here just for the heck of it. I’ll think about it.

I’m doing O.K. Medication seems to be working fine. People who know me say that I’m doing very well.  I seldom ever take xanax. I take an anti depressant and Latuda plus supplements. I do not work which is my normal. My husband works for a high tech company as a computer engineer which affords me to be unemployed, that and my degree in child development would pay nothing after taxes. Cheaper to stay home and maintain the house and pets. We have company from time to time which keeps me busy. It’s like a bed and breakfast – I don’t do breakfast – people keep coming back and staying longer!  I’ve added a lot of work-out machines to my rec. room which people like. My newest one is a rowing machine which is fun. I’ve gained weight which is frustrating because my eating habits really haven’t changed and I’m not eating in my sleep as I once did.  Could be menopause. I’ll be 55 in another month. I am worried about gaining weight at this time as I see a lot of women gain weight as they get older. My appearance on the outside is very important to me as I feel very uneasy on the inside. I guess if I look O.K. on the outside, people may not know how truly messed up I am.  Being a blond with blue eyes doesn’t help!

WordPress has changed since I last posted, so I’ll make this short to see how it looks.

Do Not Use the Optum Rx mail order pharmacy!!!!!

United Health Care insurance has changed it’s mail order pharmacy to OptumRx.  Do not use this pharmacy!  I received a 3 month supply of Lamictal that is all wrong.  It isn’t the same as the other Lamictal generics I have taken for years.  I called the pharmacy to find out where this particular shipment came from and they said it could have been from Isreal or another country as they out source their medication. Hello! Where is quality control?  Out sourcing medications, how horrible is that. I called the manufacturer  (TEVA) to find out who processed this and they asked for the Lot number. Every medication has a lot number, but guess what? This one doesn’t have one!  They told me to call the pharmacy – OptumRx and OptumRx had no clue what the number this was from. They explained that they buy it in bulk something about 60 pounds and it could come from 2 countries. I know it can’t be from the U.S. because it is so incorrect. I called this morning and insisted on the lot number and they said they would call back with that information. I told them that I was Fed Exing this to the FDA to find out what was in the pills.  Horrible company. I got online and found two websites with hundreds of complaints.  Am I surprised? NO!!! Medco was so much better! For $30.00 more, I will get my Lamictal from my pharmacy which only buys from the major companies in the U.S.

DO NOT USE OPTUMRx!!!!

Their phone number is 1-855-7718

D.I.D. and the mind.

“You Don’t Say”

I read this article yesterday while looking for information on the creative mind of D.I.D. and also “non-communication of alters”. It’s http://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2012/08/a-story-that-doesnt-hold-up/ .  I have a 50/50 mindset about if my moods have personalities by themselves or do I just have mood swings that have their own way of communicating like highly creative individuals.  I’m really in the middle of this process of trying to realize what would be best for me – regarding therapy or just embracing myself as to who I may be. At my age (52) isn’t there a process of looking back and forward at your life?  Have I met my expectations of who I am or am I going forward to discover who I may be in the next 10 years.  I’m really struggling with this.

 

People throw the term “ those old people…”  Where do I fit in?  I look at my face in the mirror and see old me and at times I see a happy young me.  Of course there are the rare days I really don’t recognize myself at all.  The more important thing is that my husband recognizes me every day.  He loves me unconditionally.  We just celebrated our 32ND anniversary last Thursday and he continues to tell me how much he loves me.

 

I feel awful at times knowing that I have not lived up to my expectations, even in the past year of therapy.  I don’t think the Enemy knows what to do with me at the moment.  He asks if I give the “others (alters) “ time to talk or something to that nature.  I simply don’t know what he is talking about.  I know my new medications stop a lot of the communication I had years ago, but my behavior at times is very telling of the adverse situations I find myself in after the three day episodes I have from time to time.

 

Art therapy would really help and I don’t understand why insurance won’t pay, even 50% would be of help. The only session I went to brought out too many moods and I felt embarrassed in a way.  Sometimes I think if Enemy were to ask me to draw how I’m feeling the days that I come in, maybe he could get a grasp of who I am.  Diagnose me or simply talk to me more and stop staring at me from time to time.  I get a little frustrated that I’m supposed to do what ever in therapy just for 40 minutes and than leave until the next week.  Granted I can call or email at any time, but feel stupid when I do.  It shouldn’t have to come out in emails. I also have been told I play “games” (in 1978) which is indoctrinated in me from Straight Inc.  I can’t help but believe what Straight Inc. said to me.  Are you a sponge at 17 or was I to not listen and crawl into myself?  Did I let myself down and believe I really deserved to be put away for something I couldn’t help? I didn’t do drugs.  Why didn’t I run away when I had the chance?  I am at a loss.  This is a difficult 3 months of summer every year as in relation to being put in Straight Inc. 35 years ago.  I so wish I could be hypnotized to forget it ever happened.  Maybe I could believe in myself again.

 

I am a good person.  I raised two extremely successful daughters.  I had a home daycare and raised several children successfully.  I maintain a loving relationship with my husband and my friends.  I do love my friends, especially after all of the deaths we have been through this past year.  It brings into perspective how much their presence in my life contributes to my well being.  The time I was going to leave this earth/existence for good left me thinking of the people I would have let down.  It is still an option I know and an easy door that is now open, just a crack.

 

On a positive note, besides walking as exorcize, my husband and I bought two cool bikes and intend to start riding.  My first trip in my neighborhood left my legs feeling like rubber.  I could see my feet, so I knew they were still attached.  No marathons for me.  I have a basket on my handle bars for my Chihuahua which she seems to tolerate.  Little does she know that I am not skilled with the art of turning at corners.  I don’t understand the brake in the front nor the “21” gears.  What’s up with that??  We have a lot of trails in the mountains to explore, hopefully down hill where someone can pick me and the bike up and return us safely to our car on top of the hill/mountains trail. I will not wear a helmet.  I feel my brain is already damaged enough – what else could harm it? It doesn’t matter to me. I also think hats on me look geeky. So, I am willing to try to get out of my comfort zone currently.

 

Mind choices – do they exist?

 

Just a visit…..

So my daughter and future husband will be here tomorrow afternoon.  My back is burning  as I write this blog.  Am I stressed about this upcoming event???  I called the liquor store to ask if they had a straw that would be long enough to let me drink from a 1.5 oz. bottle of wine during the BBQ.  Everyone knows what happened the last time this male friend of my daughters conversed with me.  I have thought this one through and have concocted a plan that will perhaps make this 2 day event tolerable – XANAX!!!!  I just take .5 or 1 mg. Every 4 hours and life could not be more simple.  I think my husband and Enemy said to put the liquor away.  Wine does not count as liquor, it’s just juice with a kick.

 

My Tuesday Enemy appointment went alright.  I had my husband come in to trouble shoot what was going to happen tomorrow and Friday.  That’s where putting away the liquor topic came up.  We both mentioned that I don’t drink liquor, but I do drink wine.  Apparently I do drink liquor while I am having an “episode” or checking out for 3 or so days.  My husband was pleased to tell Enemy what a great dinner I had made one night. Enemy didn’t seemed impressed.  My husband also mentioned that after these “events” he thinks I need to get away for a short time, as we have in the past.  We have been going on a lot of trips/holidays this year.  There really wasn’t much accomplished during the appointment.  Enemy doesn’t dust the furniture and I took the opportunity to write “HELP” on his shelf next to where I sit.  I doubt he’ll see it.  I wonder how many skin cells are in his couch.

 

I am going to catch the news – our area is on fire – again!  Too many forest fires in the summer.

Dysfunctional Family

Dysfunctional Family definition –
Psychology: “A family with multiple ‘internal’–eg sibling rivalries, parent-child– conflicts, domestic violence, mental illness, single parenthood, or ‘external’–eg alcohol or drug abuse, extramarital affairs, gambling, unemployment—influences that affect the basic needs of the family unit”

My daughter recently told me that our family was dysfunctional. Mental illness is the only class that fits our family. She is 27 and independent while having a successful career. But we ( my husband, 30 yr. Old daughter and I) am dysfunctional. I did not respond, thinking I should go see my psychologist and psychiatrist first and pick up all of my psycho. Meds. I don’t know why she would say we are dysfunctional! We are to have a BBQ in a couple of weeks with our daughter from Texas and her fiancé while they come up for a visit. It was to be at my daughters club house, but they imposed a $100.00 deposit which we felt unnecessary. This decision was deemed “dysfunctional” by my daughter. I have issues with my 30 year – olds fiancé and will be on good behavior even when he says despairing remarks about minorities. Last time we spoke on the political subject, I had to leave the room. The next day my daughter apologized, yet I felt disrespected. If our family is dysfunctional, I am happy as I think the perfect family could be certifiable nuts. Who is perfect any more with the DSM IV clogged up with every behavior under the book . It’s the little comments that bother me lately. I usually don’t comment and just feel sad for a few days if not longer. What was the point of referring our family dysfunctional?

Enemy went off about my psychiatrist last Tuesday. He said my PDOC was skating on thin ice and that he was unethical three times saying “unethical, unethical, unethical”. My PDOC is neither of the above. He just won’t engage in a conversation with the Enemy. I felt like a child being reprimanded. Two days after the incident I called Enemy and told him what I thought about the character assignation. He probably could care less with what I had to say.

My husband will continue to handle my brief exits from life and hopefully keep me from emailing Enemy during those episodes should they happen again. Since we don’t know the cause of them, this will be a challenge. I have faith everything will be O.K, after all we do live in a dysfunctional family and have to keep up with appearances!

I still feel the depression and sleep is a challenge and getting worse. I am convinced the Latuda is no longer working, or as my PDOC said it will take time for the depression to go away. I am functioning which is a good sign that the depression isn’t at a 100% as I’ve been before. I wish we could move to a small community island for a while and just get away from people. I am uncomfortable around people and everyday living. I wake up and wait until I can go back to sleep often. I’m sure a lot of people feel the same. I am tired in a way I can’t describe. It’s crazy when I have everything I could need and the weather has been beautiful. I do keep an active life when my husband insists on taking long walks and doing projects around the house and garden. We will be having a BBQ today with a couple of friends. No stress with friends.

Did I mention how beautiful it has been here in our area of Colorado?

I really must post this as I wrote it last week. I just haven’t been in the mood to share my thoughts, nor would I know how to.