I read this article yesterday while looking for information on the creative mind of D.I.D. and also “non-communication of alters”. It’s http://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2012/08/a-story-that-doesnt-hold-up/ . I have a 50/50 mindset about if my moods have personalities by themselves or do I just have mood swings that have their own way of communicating like highly creative individuals. I’m really in the middle of this process of trying to realize what would be best for me – regarding therapy or just embracing myself as to who I may be. At my age (52) isn’t there a process of looking back and forward at your life? Have I met my expectations of who I am or am I going forward to discover who I may be in the next 10 years. I’m really struggling with this.
People throw the term “ those old people…” Where do I fit in? I look at my face in the mirror and see old me and at times I see a happy young me. Of course there are the rare days I really don’t recognize myself at all. The more important thing is that my husband recognizes me every day. He loves me unconditionally. We just celebrated our 32ND anniversary last Thursday and he continues to tell me how much he loves me.
I feel awful at times knowing that I have not lived up to my expectations, even in the past year of therapy. I don’t think the Enemy knows what to do with me at the moment. He asks if I give the “others (alters) “ time to talk or something to that nature. I simply don’t know what he is talking about. I know my new medications stop a lot of the communication I had years ago, but my behavior at times is very telling of the adverse situations I find myself in after the three day episodes I have from time to time.
Art therapy would really help and I don’t understand why insurance won’t pay, even 50% would be of help. The only session I went to brought out too many moods and I felt embarrassed in a way. Sometimes I think if Enemy were to ask me to draw how I’m feeling the days that I come in, maybe he could get a grasp of who I am. Diagnose me or simply talk to me more and stop staring at me from time to time. I get a little frustrated that I’m supposed to do what ever in therapy just for 40 minutes and than leave until the next week. Granted I can call or email at any time, but feel stupid when I do. It shouldn’t have to come out in emails. I also have been told I play “games” (in 1978) which is indoctrinated in me from Straight Inc. I can’t help but believe what Straight Inc. said to me. Are you a sponge at 17 or was I to not listen and crawl into myself? Did I let myself down and believe I really deserved to be put away for something I couldn’t help? I didn’t do drugs. Why didn’t I run away when I had the chance? I am at a loss. This is a difficult 3 months of summer every year as in relation to being put in Straight Inc. 35 years ago. I so wish I could be hypnotized to forget it ever happened. Maybe I could believe in myself again.
I am a good person. I raised two extremely successful daughters. I had a home daycare and raised several children successfully. I maintain a loving relationship with my husband and my friends. I do love my friends, especially after all of the deaths we have been through this past year. It brings into perspective how much their presence in my life contributes to my well being. The time I was going to leave this earth/existence for good left me thinking of the people I would have let down. It is still an option I know and an easy door that is now open, just a crack.
On a positive note, besides walking as exorcize, my husband and I bought two cool bikes and intend to start riding. My first trip in my neighborhood left my legs feeling like rubber. I could see my feet, so I knew they were still attached. No marathons for me. I have a basket on my handle bars for my Chihuahua which she seems to tolerate. Little does she know that I am not skilled with the art of turning at corners. I don’t understand the brake in the front nor the “21” gears. What’s up with that?? We have a lot of trails in the mountains to explore, hopefully down hill where someone can pick me and the bike up and return us safely to our car on top of the hill/mountains trail. I will not wear a helmet. I feel my brain is already damaged enough – what else could harm it? It doesn’t matter to me. I also think hats on me look geeky. So, I am willing to try to get out of my comfort zone currently.
Mind choices – do they exist?