D.I.D. and the mind.

"You Don't Say"

“You Don’t Say”

I read this article yesterday while looking for information on the creative mind of D.I.D. and also “non-communication of alters”. It’s http://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2012/08/a-story-that-doesnt-hold-up/ .  I have a 50/50 mindset about if my moods have personalities by themselves or do I just have mood swings that have their own way of communicating like highly creative individuals.  I’m really in the middle of this process of trying to realize what would be best for me – regarding therapy or just embracing myself as to who I may be. At my age (52) isn’t there a process of looking back and forward at your life?  Have I met my expectations of who I am or am I going forward to discover who I may be in the next 10 years.  I’m really struggling with this.

 

People throw the term “ those old people…”  Where do I fit in?  I look at my face in the mirror and see old me and at times I see a happy young me.  Of course there are the rare days I really don’t recognize myself at all.  The more important thing is that my husband recognizes me every day.  He loves me unconditionally.  We just celebrated our 32ND anniversary last Thursday and he continues to tell me how much he loves me.

 

I feel awful at times knowing that I have not lived up to my expectations, even in the past year of therapy.  I don’t think the Enemy knows what to do with me at the moment.  He asks if I give the “others (alters) “ time to talk or something to that nature.  I simply don’t know what he is talking about.  I know my new medications stop a lot of the communication I had years ago, but my behavior at times is very telling of the adverse situations I find myself in after the three day episodes I have from time to time.

 

Art therapy would really help and I don’t understand why insurance won’t pay, even 50% would be of help. The only session I went to brought out too many moods and I felt embarrassed in a way.  Sometimes I think if Enemy were to ask me to draw how I’m feeling the days that I come in, maybe he could get a grasp of who I am.  Diagnose me or simply talk to me more and stop staring at me from time to time.  I get a little frustrated that I’m supposed to do what ever in therapy just for 40 minutes and than leave until the next week.  Granted I can call or email at any time, but feel stupid when I do.  It shouldn’t have to come out in emails. I also have been told I play “games” (in 1978) which is indoctrinated in me from Straight Inc.  I can’t help but believe what Straight Inc. said to me.  Are you a sponge at 17 or was I to not listen and crawl into myself?  Did I let myself down and believe I really deserved to be put away for something I couldn’t help? I didn’t do drugs.  Why didn’t I run away when I had the chance?  I am at a loss.  This is a difficult 3 months of summer every year as in relation to being put in Straight Inc. 35 years ago.  I so wish I could be hypnotized to forget it ever happened.  Maybe I could believe in myself again.

 

I am a good person.  I raised two extremely successful daughters.  I had a home daycare and raised several children successfully.  I maintain a loving relationship with my husband and my friends.  I do love my friends, especially after all of the deaths we have been through this past year.  It brings into perspective how much their presence in my life contributes to my well being.  The time I was going to leave this earth/existence for good left me thinking of the people I would have let down.  It is still an option I know and an easy door that is now open, just a crack.

 

On a positive note, besides walking as exorcize, my husband and I bought two cool bikes and intend to start riding.  My first trip in my neighborhood left my legs feeling like rubber.  I could see my feet, so I knew they were still attached.  No marathons for me.  I have a basket on my handle bars for my Chihuahua which she seems to tolerate.  Little does she know that I am not skilled with the art of turning at corners.  I don’t understand the brake in the front nor the “21” gears.  What’s up with that??  We have a lot of trails in the mountains to explore, hopefully down hill where someone can pick me and the bike up and return us safely to our car on top of the hill/mountains trail. I will not wear a helmet.  I feel my brain is already damaged enough – what else could harm it? It doesn’t matter to me. I also think hats on me look geeky. So, I am willing to try to get out of my comfort zone currently.

 

Mind choices – do they exist?

 

Posted in alter's/colors, art therapy?, bipolar disorder, D.I.D., dissociative identity disorder, mental health, Mental Illness, MPD, multiple personality disorder, personality disorder, psychology, psychotherapy, "The Enemy",psychologist, Straight Inc. | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Just a visit…..

So my daughter and future husband will be here tomorrow afternoon.  My back is burning  as I write this blog.  Am I stressed about this upcoming event???  I called the liquor store to ask if they had a straw that would be long enough to let me drink from a 1.5 oz. bottle of wine during the BBQ.  Everyone knows what happened the last time this male friend of my daughters conversed with me.  I have thought this one through and have concocted a plan that will perhaps make this 2 day event tolerable – XANAX!!!!  I just take .5 or 1 mg. Every 4 hours and life could not be more simple.  I think my husband and Enemy said to put the liquor away.  Wine does not count as liquor, it’s just juice with a kick.

 

My Tuesday Enemy appointment went alright.  I had my husband come in to trouble shoot what was going to happen tomorrow and Friday.  That’s where putting away the liquor topic came up.  We both mentioned that I don’t drink liquor, but I do drink wine.  Apparently I do drink liquor while I am having an “episode” or checking out for 3 or so days.  My husband was pleased to tell Enemy what a great dinner I had made one night. Enemy didn’t seemed impressed.  My husband also mentioned that after these “events” he thinks I need to get away for a short time, as we have in the past.  We have been going on a lot of trips/holidays this year.  There really wasn’t much accomplished during the appointment.  Enemy doesn’t dust the furniture and I took the opportunity to write “HELP” on his shelf next to where I sit.  I doubt he’ll see it.  I wonder how many skin cells are in his couch.

 

I am going to catch the news – our area is on fire – again!  Too many forest fires in the summer.

Posted in bipolar disorder, communication/repercussions, D.I.D., dissociative identity disorder, mental health, Mental Illness, MPD, personality disorder, psychology, psychotherapy, "The Enemy",psychologist, Straight Inc. | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Dysfunctional Family

DSCF0697Dysfunctional Family definition –
Psychology: “A family with multiple ‘internal’–eg sibling rivalries, parent-child– conflicts, domestic violence, mental illness, single parenthood, or ‘external’–eg alcohol or drug abuse, extramarital affairs, gambling, unemployment—influences that affect the basic needs of the family unit”

My daughter recently told me that our family was dysfunctional. Mental illness is the only class that fits our family. She is 27 and independent while having a successful career. But we ( my husband, 30 yr. Old daughter and I) am dysfunctional. I did not respond, thinking I should go see my psychologist and psychiatrist first and pick up all of my psycho. Meds. I don’t know why she would say we are dysfunctional! We are to have a BBQ in a couple of weeks with our daughter from Texas and her fiancé while they come up for a visit. It was to be at my daughters club house, but they imposed a $100.00 deposit which we felt unnecessary. This decision was deemed “dysfunctional” by my daughter. I have issues with my 30 year – olds fiancé and will be on good behavior even when he says despairing remarks about minorities. Last time we spoke on the political subject, I had to leave the room. The next day my daughter apologized, yet I felt disrespected. If our family is dysfunctional, I am happy as I think the perfect family could be certifiable nuts. Who is perfect any more with the DSM IV clogged up with every behavior under the book . It’s the little comments that bother me lately. I usually don’t comment and just feel sad for a few days if not longer. What was the point of referring our family dysfunctional?

Enemy went off about my psychiatrist last Tuesday. He said my PDOC was skating on thin ice and that he was unethical three times saying “unethical, unethical, unethical”. My PDOC is neither of the above. He just won’t engage in a conversation with the Enemy. I felt like a child being reprimanded. Two days after the incident I called Enemy and told him what I thought about the character assignation. He probably could care less with what I had to say.

My husband will continue to handle my brief exits from life and hopefully keep me from emailing Enemy during those episodes should they happen again. Since we don’t know the cause of them, this will be a challenge. I have faith everything will be O.K, after all we do live in a dysfunctional family and have to keep up with appearances!

I still feel the depression and sleep is a challenge and getting worse. I am convinced the Latuda is no longer working, or as my PDOC said it will take time for the depression to go away. I am functioning which is a good sign that the depression isn’t at a 100% as I’ve been before. I wish we could move to a small community island for a while and just get away from people. I am uncomfortable around people and everyday living. I wake up and wait until I can go back to sleep often. I’m sure a lot of people feel the same. I am tired in a way I can’t describe. It’s crazy when I have everything I could need and the weather has been beautiful. I do keep an active life when my husband insists on taking long walks and doing projects around the house and garden. We will be having a BBQ today with a couple of friends. No stress with friends.

Did I mention how beautiful it has been here in our area of Colorado?

I really must post this as I wrote it last week. I just haven’t been in the mood to share my thoughts, nor would I know how to.

Posted in bipolar disorder, dissociative identity disorder, DSM-IV, latuda, mental health, Mental Illness, MPD, multiple personality disorder, ocean, personality disorder, psychology, psychotherapy, "The Enemy",psychologist | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

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“I Hate You”

Sunday Afternoon

Sunday Afternoon

>So, my episode was informative this time. This is what I emailed to Enemy:
Why didn’t you call? I never call and then I did and you were imresnposive. Really encouraging. You ought to get a second person to handle your nuts – crazy persons. I’ve have had 3 shots or more of brandy and something else, so the phone is off. Did I ever tell you that I hated you. Cutting down Mark was mean. You continue to
let me repeat conversations I have already had with you – why waste my time. Still haven’t been reimbursed any money since February. One payment we mad in full because you said I wasn’t there. So I’m honest when I’m on stuff. Did you know I hated coming there and wasted my time? You never ask me to do any thing.

Your answer is going to be generic as always with the … WTF? man up to what you want to say for a change. Oh, that’s unethical isn’t it? Bull Shit. And your office is boring. Have you been to the a high end furniture store? Stuutherbees is worth trying. You office sucks.

More Brandy, apparently Xanax isn’t kicking in as of yet. You never tell me to come in straight or any thing either. you are a bore and never hear me speak. I say a lot. you probably don’t want to hear – it is called selective hear? Or old age? ———————————————————————————————————————–

I have no idea how Enemy took this information. In his line of business I’m sure this is a normal occurrence. Honestly I would love to be that honest every time I come into his office, but I’m a wimp and only mention his office furniture once and a while. I never hate anyone – not in my vocabulary.

How this last episode started we speculate is that the death of my friends mother and my future son-in-law berating me about my politics and his perfect ideal of how the world should be run – there lack of all immigrants. During that conversation I kept hearing one thought that said “don’t say a thing”, but finally I stood up and told him that I did not have a job, SS benefits ( I have little) and no retirement ( I have a Roth Account). I left the room to play with his kids who were upstairs and away from this insensitive jerk. I couldn’t get over it and was a tearful for days after ward. Too much at one time and apparently my thresh hold is very fragile as well.

I take 1 Xanax in the afternoon as prescribed. What happens after that from time to time is anyones guess. I never mean to check out. I fully expect to wake up or rest for only an hour at most, generally 20 minutes listening to the radio.

After I wake up ( come to) I can’t find lost time. My husband will tell me of some of the things I did or said, but I walk on tip-toes for days. This time I really feel on edge by having little information of what triggered this episode. We believe it was the death and bereavement. I worry this will happen again since I have no way of knowing what proceeds the event. I realized yesterday I had the urge to take a few medical enhancements so that I could erase what Enemy did in therapy Tuesday, but thought this may be what gets me into the “episodic state” of mind. I’m trying very hard to not have it happen again.

Enemy was having an off day, my guess, Tuesday. He berated my PDOC again but went further saying that he was on thin ice and said “unethical” at least three time. Enemy just can’t get over that my PDOC is not intimidated by him and will continue to follow the HIPPA law unlike he. What else happened in therapy Tuesday? I watched a bird out side of his window and told him a handle on a piece of furniture had come loose. He indicated there may little he can do for me and something about a 72 hour hold if I need one, indicating the episodes I have. Fuck him. Both my husband and PDOC will not let that happen. My husband will not call Enemy and I will will myself to never email or call Enemy again.

I am disappointed this behavior continues after therapy of a year. The bill is still a wreck – they now owe us $1100.00 and probably $200.00 more for a coding error. The sun is often very bright and hopefully will keep me stable enough to quit this therapy. I do not wish to hear about my PDOC who has to intimidate Enemy, possibly income level bothers him if I can put a twist on it. He’s questioning my ethics I’m sure. Fuck him again. He pretends to care about my progress, yet I haven’t changed at all. I am working on emotional things myself. He’s not given me any tools to implicate in my treatment. Why do I continue to go? He’s my last chance of joining the human race as acceptable and not to alienate my friends.

I’m tired of being in the mental health service. Perhaps I should concentrate on medication and forget about washing the demons away. Who knows – they may be there for a purpose, however they continue to be dysfunctional.

Posted in alter's/colors, bipolar disorder, D.I.D., mental health, Mental Illness, MPD, multiple personality disorder, personality disorder, psychology, psychotherapy, "The Enemy",psychologist | Tagged , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Mental Health

I went to my psychiatrist Friday to check on my sanity status. I took a Zanax before my husband and I left the house. I had a few serious questions I wanted answers to. After my extreme manic phase last Spring and Summer I have been really immature and hating the fact that I have to see a psychiatrist. To me all of a sudden my sanity is important, whether I am sane or insane, I still have serious questions. I’m realizing that without Xanax I behave in a behavior not becoming to me at my age. If I’m only going to a few places such as our Home Depot or the local vegetable market, I’m fine. If I’m out going places that I’m unfamiliar with or will engage in with people I don’t know, I either get scared or say immature things like when I was a teenager all over again. Being a teenager was immature for me as I never developed the skills to communicate in an acceptable way due to being ripped from my bipolar medications and thrown into Straight, a drug rehab that was pure hell. That experience resulted in the development of all sorts of alters who protected me throughout the harsh circumstance they put me through, that and not taking drugs and being ridiculed for denying this. I won’t go into that – it hurts to this day. The appointment with my psychiatrist went well. He said Retalin was safe and for me to take it once again. I cannot sleep but 3-5 hours which I thought was unfavorable to my brain and body, but he told me it was perfectly normal at my age. Now I understand why seniors sleep in the late afternoons. I’m afraid I’m a senior. I should hold on to my alters and perhaps will sleep to my previous schedule of eight hours. On the Enemy front I once again repeated everything I must have said before – that would be every other week that I see him. Some times I think he is just putting in his time and getting paid $120 for 45 minutes as an excuse to see me. I wish I could get better with the current situation of the alters interfering with my life and relationships of friends and family. I don’t do Face Book and my friends do which means I never hear from them much. I take it personally yet know some where in the back of my mind they are not ignoring me, just communicate differently now. I’ve also noticed they cannot carry on a conversation on the phone as well as they used to. This makes me sad and lonelier than I already am. I am alright in the depression side of things, I am mildly depressed yet functioning O.K. on the outside. I feel I should not share my thoughts about myself to friends and family as this perhaps is the mature way to go. I am sorry I exist in this world, yet my husband loves me so much, I can’t hurt him. He is the greatest husband and friend.

Another death to report. This time it was an old friend from Texas. The worse part of this event was we learned that his younger brother had died a year or so ago. What a bummer to hear this now especially through a damn website. We were like family; being close friends to their other two older brothers we exclusively hung out with. Having not seen the family in some years, we don’t know what to do other than send sympathy cards with out mentioning the first death. We will be in Texas Wednesday through Sunday, yet don’t want to crash a funeral. I feel so sad about the younger brothers and his family and wife. The old adage of mothers and fathers should die before their children are not adding up for this family. Their mother lost her husband when their youngest son was 5 or 6 years old.

I have to offer a little bit of my crazy predicament to liven up this entry. Waking up at 5:00 in the morning or earlier is awesome. I get to catch up with the shows I have recorded at an earlier time. The bad news is after a couple of early morning awakenings, there is nothing to watch for I have wiped out all shows due to waking up early. I have nothing to do and am pissed off that this is happening. I cannot run the vacuum cleaner or us the kitchen appliances. Why I would run a kitchen appliance I don’t know, but I know that I can’t. I have cleaned out all of the closets due to sheer boredom at this point and can recognize the Goodwill employees. Actually The Goodwill is nice to look around. Menopause is a bitch. I need 100% cotton T-shirts and Goodwill has them for $3.99 or less. I buy name brands and am quite pleased with shopping in a thrift store. Night sweats are a bitch and the heat without any warning is just awesome – NOT. My husband and I will be sleeping in a bedroom in the basement this summer. I can’t justify running the air condition for my situation when the basement is much cooler and beautiful as well.

I talked to my psychiatrist about this wonderful process in my life. He understood as his wife is in the same predicament. My psychiatrist is 2 months younger than me, so I feel a little significant as I am his senior. Basically since I already am on a shit load of drugs, moodiness won’t be so bad for my dear husband. I asked my husband why men don’t go through a medical senior process and he tried to cheer me up saying that perhaps his balls will shrink. That reminds me, my breasts are sagging also. I have been wearing bras since the girls began to develop and was told that if you wear a bra the sagging issue would not happen. Oh well. I bought four pairs of underwear yesterday and tried them on later last night. They are called “boy shorts” and are cute if your thighs and butt were perky. I will work on that, but mean while will wear them. They are cute. Bra shopping is a bitch, when I find one that fits, I by my girls four of them at the same time. There must be over fifty styles hanging on the racks at Macy’s. I hate bra shopping!!

Well I have found something to do at this ungodly time of night/morning – blogging. Hope it was interesting. My Chihuahua sleeps well.

Posted in alter's/colors, bipolar disorder, D.I.D., dissociative identity disorder, Humor, mental health, Mental Illness, MPD, multiple personality disorder, personality disorder, psychology, psychotherapy, "The Enemy",psychologist, Straight Inc. | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

My Dog died – It Sucks

GingerGinger my 16 ½ year old dachshund died last week. It sucks. She relied on my husband and me for all of her needs, including unconditional love. She could no longer walk and was uncomfortable sleeping in our bed. It killed me to leave her in her doggie bed at night. My husband would check on her before he went to bed between 12:00 P.M. to 1:00 P.M. Ginger was the sincerest loving dog – anyone would be privileged to have. We were blessed to have her in our lives. I cleaned all of her blankets and bedding the following day after her death, when I found one of her shirts in the laundry hamper I realized I had to keep it without cleaning it. I have that and a small stuffed tiger she used to prop her head on. It has her scent on it which I sleep with every night. I am very stupid I know, but it is difficult to get rid of someone who accompanied me every where I went night and day. Both of my dogs had/have their own doggie car seats so that they can see out of the windows while we drive. Gin had a doggie stroller she enjoyed when strolled her around the lake in our neighborhood. She had a good life although dieing was not in my plans. It’s weird not having to be home within three hours to care for her. We feel a great loss, yet relief in an odd way. She was ready to go but we didn’t know what or why she was not passing in her sleep. We think she was blind the last few days of her life. So it goes we are doing well with the alpha Chihuahua and three cats. Enough for us. Now we will be traveling with just one dog, how very odd this will be.

On the psych. Front I feel that my meds. are not working as well as some have in the past. Everyday is different from the past days. Some days I wake up only to feel with great regret that I have hours to stay awake until I can go back to sleep for the night. Some days I will not be with the program of life. I don’t really hear nor do I care. I see myself physically, but not mentally. It’s like when you drive for twenty minutes and “wake-up” and wonder how you got to where you are. Sometimes I’m on auto pilot and the next day I feel the world around me. I never know what the next day will bring. I’ve had problems sleeping lately. I can’t fall asleep well at all. I take an extra xanax, but it’s 50/50 if it will help me to fall asleep. Then I wake up at 3:45 A.M. Unless I have recorded T.V. shows and can watch them until the national news comes on, I’m bored to no end. We can’t figure out why this is happening, although my sister said that I used to check on Gin around the same time every morning and then go back to sleep. It sucks to have your dog die. We’ve had so many deaths this past year; why not throw in your life long companion?

The end of April we will be going back to Texas for a week. We will see my sister-in-laws garden urn wall – what ever it’s called. Sense I’m numb ½ of the time, this should go well. My PDOC has not returned my call so getting an adjustment for meds. is not going well. Maybe I’ll bring a bottle of Champaign to her urn wall and toast to her awesome life.

Enemy appointments are a waste of mine and his time at this point. I skipped last week and two weeks prior he had something going on. There is simply nothing to talk about. I often wonder when the scientists will come up with a surgery that will take away past events you do not want in your present life. I look at it as a canvas with colors on it. If you could cut one piece of the canvas with just one color out, wouldn’t that make the bad memories go away? None of this makes sense, but I will think out loud this time. Memories that are bad are of no use to me. Someone on Word press wrote informing me about a blog about Straight Inc. http://straightinccopouts.wordpress.com. It is so ironic how that place turned my life upside down. I will tell my story on that blog some day. Every Straight Inc. was a little different. The one I was in was in its’ infancy. The hatred for that place and my mother will never decrease. Therapy was supposed to help, but no one in the mental health field can digest what went on in there or how worse it was when the people in it were mentally ill. Some committed suicide. My attempt failed. Life.

I’m still watching the Jody Arias trial. A therapist was another defense tactic trying to get the jury to believe their defendant was a battered woman, although she was stalking Travis before she killed him. Amazing how the jury doesn’t believe this theory! The jury members are allowed to ask questions which are so cool. Juan Martinez is a dynamic lawyer. This trial is one of my three reality shows I keep up with. It’s just amazing how the experts in the mental health field are being crucified by this lawyer. Perhaps I’m biased when it comes to people in the mental health field.

My PT is going well. I am looking for a used Bosu ball. It looks like a large speed bump and costs way too much in my opinion. I put a post on Craigslist asking if anyone wants to sell one. Perhaps next week someone will email with one. My exercises are boring. I prefer walking, but that is not stretching I guess. Old, old, and old my body is! I am playing brain games from the computer. I may not be too stupid as I am getting higher scores. At 4:00 A.M., after I get my coffee, brain games can pass the time some what. I have no art projects going at this time. When I do they just pop up in my mind when ever and then I have about a week before I must implement it. Very odd, yet this blog is about my twisted mind.

All in all, things are fine up here. The weather is interesting. It will be in the seventies one day then go down to the teens the following day with snow. No hail yet. I’m anxious to get the flower seeds planted. I grow huge. tall sunflowers in the front of the house, three different heights, staggering from top to bottom. The tallest ones are generally 9 feet or taller. I have three different packages of various flower seeds that I will also be planting. I give up on vegetables other than butternut squash which I saved the seeds from one that I bought this past winter. I used to grow plants when I was a child. I never wanted to be in the house. Gardening was my outlet back then. We’ll finally put a sprinkler system in this year. Thirteen years of dragging hoses with sprinklers attached all over the yards is a pain.

This is going to be an interesting endeavor; I am going into business for myself. I need to put social security money (for lack of a better term) into my account for the future. I will be making soft dog bones. I’ve done this for years for my own dogs, so this should be any easy transition. I’ll put some free biscuits out in packages in a basket at my husbands work with my email address wrapped in ribbon and info about price, etc. I just have to watch my stress level after being out of the human environment for a while. But it will be all done at home and my husband will deliver them. Petco was interested with my product, but I was higher than a kite last year when I approached the local management. We’ll see if I can rebuild my self confidence some what. The biscuits are cool, just oatmeal, brown flour, can of mashed vegetable or fruit (squash, bananas, grated zucchini, etc.), eggs with a little vegetable oil. I also put a little bit of baby formula when I have samples. I have a food dehydrator now and may add bits of dried fruit such as apples in the biscuits also. I am excited sometimes with this idea, and then I feel a little over whelmed with the prospect of having responsibilities again.

So, I’m concluding my perimenpausel stage in life – yeah. Now I’m going into pure hell, menopause. Supposedly since I’m already taking a lot of psy. drugs, this too should be a breeze – NOT! I swear I’m going to die this summer. I am either very cold or extremely hot mostly at night. I read that at this stage in life, my body is just going back to its normal self once again. I didn’t like life when I was 14 and now I am to experience life as I was before my period. I don’t see myself climbing trees or running around the neighborhood exploring life‘s gifts. Nope, not revisiting my past, although climbing trees was a lot of fun. Michael Jackson was still climbing trees in his adult years, but I wouldn’t get away with climbing trees in the neighborhood, they would report me knowing my sanity is questionable at times. I don’t like some of my neighbors after one neighbor mentioned that I had the bipolar 1 disorder. I feel they look at me in an odd way. Paranoia is a problem with me.

Life can be so complicated, yet unique if you keep at least a little window open to allow life to continue until you can catch up.

Posted in alter's/colors, bipolar disorder, D.I.D., Death, dissociative identity disorder, mental health, Mental Illness, MPD, multiple personality disorder, personality disorder, psychotherapy, "The Enemy",psychologist, Straight Inc. | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment