“I Hate You”

Sunday Afternoon

Sunday Afternoon

>So, my episode was informative this time. This is what I emailed to Enemy:
Why didn’t you call? I never call and then I did and you were imresnposive. Really encouraging. You ought to get a second person to handle your nuts – crazy persons. I’ve have had 3 shots or more of brandy and something else, so the phone is off. Did I ever tell you that I hated you. Cutting down Mark was mean. You continue to
let me repeat conversations I have already had with you – why waste my time. Still haven’t been reimbursed any money since February. One payment we mad in full because you said I wasn’t there. So I’m honest when I’m on stuff. Did you know I hated coming there and wasted my time? You never ask me to do any thing.

Your answer is going to be generic as always with the … WTF? man up to what you want to say for a change. Oh, that’s unethical isn’t it? Bull Shit. And your office is boring. Have you been to the a high end furniture store? Stuutherbees is worth trying. You office sucks.

More Brandy, apparently Xanax isn’t kicking in as of yet. You never tell me to come in straight or any thing either. you are a bore and never hear me speak. I say a lot. you probably don’t want to hear – it is called selective hear? Or old age? ———————————————————————————————————————–

I have no idea how Enemy took this information. In his line of business I’m sure this is a normal occurrence. Honestly I would love to be that honest every time I come into his office, but I’m a wimp and only mention his office furniture once and a while. I never hate anyone – not in my vocabulary.

How this last episode started we speculate is that the death of my friends mother and my future son-in-law berating me about my politics and his perfect ideal of how the world should be run – there lack of all immigrants. During that conversation I kept hearing one thought that said “don’t say a thing”, but finally I stood up and told him that I did not have a job, SS benefits ( I have little) and no retirement ( I have a Roth Account). I left the room to play with his kids who were upstairs and away from this insensitive jerk. I couldn’t get over it and was a tearful for days after ward. Too much at one time and apparently my thresh hold is very fragile as well.

I take 1 Xanax in the afternoon as prescribed. What happens after that from time to time is anyones guess. I never mean to check out. I fully expect to wake up or rest for only an hour at most, generally 20 minutes listening to the radio.

After I wake up ( come to) I can’t find lost time. My husband will tell me of some of the things I did or said, but I walk on tip-toes for days. This time I really feel on edge by having little information of what triggered this episode. We believe it was the death and bereavement. I worry this will happen again since I have no way of knowing what proceeds the event. I realized yesterday I had the urge to take a few medical enhancements so that I could erase what Enemy did in therapy Tuesday, but thought this may be what gets me into the “episodic state” of mind. I’m trying very hard to not have it happen again.

Enemy was having an off day, my guess, Tuesday. He berated my PDOC again but went further saying that he was on thin ice and said “unethical” at least three time. Enemy just can’t get over that my PDOC is not intimidated by him and will continue to follow the HIPPA law unlike he. What else happened in therapy Tuesday? I watched a bird out side of his window and told him a handle on a piece of furniture had come loose. He indicated there may little he can do for me and something about a 72 hour hold if I need one, indicating the episodes I have. Fuck him. Both my husband and PDOC will not let that happen. My husband will not call Enemy and I will will myself to never email or call Enemy again.

I am disappointed this behavior continues after therapy of a year. The bill is still a wreck – they now owe us $1100.00 and probably $200.00 more for a coding error. The sun is often very bright and hopefully will keep me stable enough to quit this therapy. I do not wish to hear about my PDOC who has to intimidate Enemy, possibly income level bothers him if I can put a twist on it. He’s questioning my ethics I’m sure. Fuck him again. He pretends to care about my progress, yet I haven’t changed at all. I am working on emotional things myself. He’s not given me any tools to implicate in my treatment. Why do I continue to go? He’s my last chance of joining the human race as acceptable and not to alienate my friends.

I’m tired of being in the mental health service. Perhaps I should concentrate on medication and forget about washing the demons away. Who knows – they may be there for a purpose, however they continue to be dysfunctional.


About crystallball7

Creative,some say "eccentric", dark sense of humor,sensitive. Never the same for too long. Running from lost time. Longing to be on the beach, at the ocean, New England. Afraid of life, extremely afraid of life.
This entry was posted in alter's/colors, bipolar disorder, D.I.D., mental health, Mental Illness, MPD, multiple personality disorder, personality disorder, psychology, psychotherapy, "The Enemy",psychologist and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to “I Hate You”

  1. Hello and congratulations! I’ve nominated you for a Liebster Award. I’ve written about it here, have a look http://counsellingjournal.wordpress.com/

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