I went to my psychiatrist Friday to check on my sanity status. I took a Zanax before my husband and I left the house. I had a few serious questions I wanted answers to. After my extreme manic phase last Spring and Summer I have been really immature and hating the fact that I have to see a psychiatrist. To me all of a sudden my sanity is important, whether I am sane or insane, I still have serious questions. I’m realizing that without Xanax I behave in a behavior not becoming to me at my age. If I’m only going to a few places such as our Home Depot or the local vegetable market, I’m fine. If I’m out going places that I’m unfamiliar with or will engage in with people I don’t know, I either get scared or say immature things like when I was a teenager all over again. Being a teenager was immature for me as I never developed the skills to communicate in an acceptable way due to being ripped from my bipolar medications and thrown into Straight, a drug rehab that was pure hell. That experience resulted in the development of all sorts of alters who protected me throughout the harsh circumstance they put me through, that and not taking drugs and being ridiculed for denying this. I won’t go into that – it hurts to this day. The appointment with my psychiatrist went well. He said Retalin was safe and for me to take it once again. I cannot sleep but 3-5 hours which I thought was unfavorable to my brain and body, but he told me it was perfectly normal at my age. Now I understand why seniors sleep in the late afternoons. I’m afraid I’m a senior. I should hold on to my alters and perhaps will sleep to my previous schedule of eight hours. On the Enemy front I once again repeated everything I must have said before – that would be every other week that I see him. Some times I think he is just putting in his time and getting paid $120 for 45 minutes as an excuse to see me. I wish I could get better with the current situation of the alters interfering with my life and relationships of friends and family. I don’t do Face Book and my friends do which means I never hear from them much. I take it personally yet know some where in the back of my mind they are not ignoring me, just communicate differently now. I’ve also noticed they cannot carry on a conversation on the phone as well as they used to. This makes me sad and lonelier than I already am. I am alright in the depression side of things, I am mildly depressed yet functioning O.K. on the outside. I feel I should not share my thoughts about myself to friends and family as this perhaps is the mature way to go. I am sorry I exist in this world, yet my husband loves me so much, I can’t hurt him. He is the greatest husband and friend.
Another death to report. This time it was an old friend from Texas. The worse part of this event was we learned that his younger brother had died a year or so ago. What a bummer to hear this now especially through a damn website. We were like family; being close friends to their other two older brothers we exclusively hung out with. Having not seen the family in some years, we don’t know what to do other than send sympathy cards with out mentioning the first death. We will be in Texas Wednesday through Sunday, yet don’t want to crash a funeral. I feel so sad about the younger brothers and his family and wife. The old adage of mothers and fathers should die before their children are not adding up for this family. Their mother lost her husband when their youngest son was 5 or 6 years old.
I have to offer a little bit of my crazy predicament to liven up this entry. Waking up at 5:00 in the morning or earlier is awesome. I get to catch up with the shows I have recorded at an earlier time. The bad news is after a couple of early morning awakenings, there is nothing to watch for I have wiped out all shows due to waking up early. I have nothing to do and am pissed off that this is happening. I cannot run the vacuum cleaner or us the kitchen appliances. Why I would run a kitchen appliance I don’t know, but I know that I can’t. I have cleaned out all of the closets due to sheer boredom at this point and can recognize the Goodwill employees. Actually The Goodwill is nice to look around. Menopause is a bitch. I need 100% cotton T-shirts and Goodwill has them for $3.99 or less. I buy name brands and am quite pleased with shopping in a thrift store. Night sweats are a bitch and the heat without any warning is just awesome – NOT. My husband and I will be sleeping in a bedroom in the basement this summer. I can’t justify running the air condition for my situation when the basement is much cooler and beautiful as well.
I talked to my psychiatrist about this wonderful process in my life. He understood as his wife is in the same predicament. My psychiatrist is 2 months younger than me, so I feel a little significant as I am his senior. Basically since I already am on a shit load of drugs, moodiness won’t be so bad for my dear husband. I asked my husband why men don’t go through a medical senior process and he tried to cheer me up saying that perhaps his balls will shrink. That reminds me, my breasts are sagging also. I have been wearing bras since the girls began to develop and was told that if you wear a bra the sagging issue would not happen. Oh well. I bought four pairs of underwear yesterday and tried them on later last night. They are called “boy shorts” and are cute if your thighs and butt were perky. I will work on that, but mean while will wear them. They are cute. Bra shopping is a bitch, when I find one that fits, I by my girls four of them at the same time. There must be over fifty styles hanging on the racks at Macy’s. I hate bra shopping!!
Well I have found something to do at this ungodly time of night/morning – blogging. Hope it was interesting. My Chihuahua sleeps well.