Condition. I don’t assume what I think about my experiences a “condition”, yet I don’t know if or what people think on a routine basis. Some days everything is normal and I do not question what I’m thinking. Other days I struggle with thoughts that envelope me so strongly that I wonder if it is all worth trying to join the Normal’s. I have been diverting the thoughts as well as I can, but it takes strict discipline which I am apparently not doing well. Yesterday I finally conceded that I may just be evil with the thoughts that persisted. Xanax is just a band-aid that falls off at any given moment. Today was a good day. I have not a clue about what each day will entail. There are no triggers that I can put together. I am again taking Ritlan after discontinuing it for a week. It seems to give me a little energy that I normally wouldn’t experience without it. I’m increasing my Lutuda by an extra 10 mgs. Depression is a bitch.
My neighbor retired last Friday at the age of 60. He is down to earth and it’s wonderful to retire so healthy. I’ve been retired forever as I cannot hold down a job more than 3 ½ years. Tax bracket makes a menial job not worth the gas to get from and back home. We are not wealthy by no means, just living in Colorado our income keeps us on track for providing the necessities. We are currently refinancing our primary house that will enable us to pay off our rental property. Not a big deal, leaving equity still in our mortgage account in our primary house.
I had a birthday and feel I’ve been a disappointment to my family, know this is far from the truth. But I feel this way. I keep in check to make sure I’m not feeling sorry for myself. I just feel tired and have no purpose in this life any more. My Aunt, Uncle, Father and sister-in-law all died the year of 2012. I mostly miss my dog that died two years ago. I want to see him when I die. Funny how humans are not a priority to me as far as death goes. Just in a philosophical mood perhaps.
I am anxious for Spring to arrive. I think that will help drive away the blues. I just would prefer to sleep the rest of the winter.
My husband asked why I questioned him about surfing the other day. My question was: “If you are on a surf board and saw a shark, would you try to swim to shore or sit on the board without moving.” I don’t surf, but this just came up in my odd mind. He did not have an answer, of course the following “where did that come from?” referring to any question I come up that does not pertain to a normal thought. Creativity may be the source of my imagination. My odd imagination.
I am trying to think positively about people’s behavior in general. Yesterday we were at our produce market and while leaving the parking lot a van passed me. I noticed the driver was chubby (nice word). We followed behind her while she turned to the new Pizza event in the other side of the parking lot. I mentioned to my husband that I knew Chubs was going to stop at the display. He smiled at my observation. I like guessing how humans will react to situations that are unpredictable.
At Costco I’d like to think that the Chubs who go there are just filling their carts with 20 packages of pastries and every unhealthy food in the store, are giving to charity. They hit the food sample stations at least twice taking away samples from the starving children in the store. My husband loves Costco and averages going twice a week. If we need just one onion for a soup I’m making, he must buy 8-10 onions telling me we are saving a lot of money because the pound ratio is less than the supermarket. One time he bought a carton of 18 eggs when I just needed two. Another time I just needed 3 potatoes for a recipe and he insisted buying 20 pounds because it was cheaper per pound. I think I’m into the fourth or fifth month of using the rest still in our refrigerator down stairs. Mouthwash is another large item purchase I have to store. It comes in 2 large bottles, combined it would probably be a gallon. I don’t use it, nor do my pets. We have storage in the garage for his Costco purchases. Tampons – I must have over 200 and am no longer menstruating. The good products to purchase at Costco would be the supplements and salad. We do not sample all the food stations much. I heard if you did this activity, at the end of your shopping experience, you would, could have acquired 1100 calories. Snacking always is demise to keeping your calorie intake low. I’m always aware of the calories I eat/drink.
Therapy was alright this week. Enemy actually indicated I was doing well in therapy. I guess that is a positive observation of my endless question and answer appointment. If I take Xanax before I come in, I’m often reflective of the past, present and the future. If I don’t take Xanax, I am more hostile, defiant and all different types of moods. I do take Xanax when my husband and I go out into the public world. Who knows what is going on with my life. Sometimes I want to be like the Normals, but I am so afraid of them. I’m confident and relaxed when my husband and I have friends/ family over for dinner and BBQ’s., but isn’t that the way it always is?
I watch Jeopardy almost every day, although I seldom know the answer to the categories. I like it when Alex Trebek looks at the contestant who just got an answer wrong – he glares at them like he can’t fathom how the contestant even came up with the answer. It’s like Alex wants to physically eject them from their buzzer. This isn’t all of the time, just questions randomly that appear on the board. The contestants who go into the negatives over $3000.00 are fun to watch also. I don’t feel so much a fool. I’m smarter not to apply to the show than the contestant who is trying to hide under a mask of intelligence. Than proceeding Jeopardy is a show called Wheel of Fortune. The contestants introduce themselves, mention their “beautiful wife/husband/partner and go further to say how their attributes have effectively made themselves fortunate, and a wonderful all around great American. I keep waiting for the day that someone actually says: “Hi Pat, I’m currently married and having an affair with my lovely, co-worker Cindy. Cindy and I have three children all of which my wife does not know about. Cindy and I travel often to countries my wife cannot track on Cindy’s credit card. I have two dogs – one lives with Cindy and the kids and another dog lives with my wife. My wife is also lovely, yet in an ugly way. How are you Pat?”
Imagination. Perhaps mine is from another time in life.