Another Christmas has ended. My front room is still littered with Christmas rap and a few gifts. The Christmas tree is ready to go out of the house. It was a quite Christmas this year. I ordered the dinner as this option was clearly easier and cost-effective. I do make soups and dog biscuits on a regular basis. We bought a food dehydrator for my Chihuahua. She gets a banana chip every time she goes outside to do her business. I believe these particular chips have sugar added, thus I’ll be making zucchini and vegetable chips for her.
My psy. appointments have been fine. If he is up to something I don’t see it. I still have to monitor his questions. He seems more human which I’m unsure if I feel that this behavior is something I agree with. I wonder if it’s another tactic to get to know who I am. Such a contradiction as to why I am seeking help with my issues. The problem is that I always pay the price with the people in his line of work. The trust issue is ever so present. I don’t want to be reliant on him nor do I want to be accountable for my lack of progress. I’m not the easiest person to work with. To my credit, I show up 5 minutes late which results in him being in his office instead of being wherever he goes before I used to come in on time.
I found articles on the topic of intrusive thoughts. OMG – it was everything I go through. I couldn’t believe there are people out there who have the same experiences. I thought I was a horrible person having these uncomfortable thoughts. My PDOC never really knew what I was experiencing and now I’m taking this strong drug to control the intrusive thoughts. One thing in the article states “the way in which the human brain responds to anxiety is responsible for the occurrence of intrusive thoughts. Your brain acts on anxiety and the environment which you are in. It looks for anything at hand in your vicinity that it can attach the anxiety to and uses your highly creative imagination to construct a catastrophic “what if” thought based on it.”
The article is two and a half pages and is crazy accurate. I like the part that says “you don’t have total control over your thoughts (I.e. you can’t control everything which comes into your head). It goes on to say that to let your thoughts come freely into your head and then ignore them when they arise. When you first start to ignore these thoughts, more likely they will suddenly increase in quantity due to the fact that your brain is not receiving the usual response it is expecting. Once this is changed with behavior, the thoughts will decrease which in turn will lower your anxiety.
I think the most comforting part of the article is it states that the thoughts will completely fade away. I googled more articles on intrusive thoughts and really felt better about myself. I’m not such a horrible person after all. It is exhausting to say the least. Now I have something to work with instead of wanting to go to sleep just to get away from these thoughts. I don’t understand why people in the mental health field, or mine, can understand what I have experienced. I can work on something that is more tangible with a little Xanax until it does fade away. Who knows – I am hoping this article is correct. The other articles I see myself in also.
So, I have a problem with this whole birth of Jesus story – factual or not. I have my doubts about why Mary would allow her husband (?) to put her onto a donkey while she was having contractions. Really? Why would this husband then take Mary for a jaunt into the desert at night to find an “Inn” to stay at instead of staying put and allow Mary to give birth where she was probably more comfortable than on a donkey in the middle of the night? The virgin part, perhaps they had artificial insemination? I honestly do not understand how this could happen; it doesn’t even float when teenagers get pregnant and try that virgin story. Moving on, having a baby in a manger – if you put your wife on a donkey in the middle of the night while in contractions, shouldn’t you have reservations of some sort? Even an Inn has a lobby. So he puts Mary onto a donkey and runs into problems at the Inn and asks to use a manager to deliver his baby. Then three wise men show up after or during the delivery. What the hell? In the middle of the night three men are riding camels and just happen upon this event and stop with gifts. Not any gift – a baby blanket or crib, but with gold, frankincense (gum from trees) and myrrh (aromatic resin from trees). O.k., first they are in a desert meaning no trees – just my understanding of a desert having lived in Arizona. Second, I’d kill my husband if three clowns caring gold and tree products showed up while I’m having a baby. I question what these wise men were really up to. Now Mary and her husband, who is having a baby without ever having sex, have three total strangers observing the birth of a baby. I simply do not get it.
I’d call the authorities if this happened while giving birth to my children, but Mary’s husband probably had his hands tied up with the birthing process and perhaps worried about the donkey’s where abouts. They never mention the donkeys name for some reason; I would have liked to know.
This is my understanding of the events that took place on December 25th years ago. How Santa Clause came into the story is a mystery. I doubt there was a man with a white beard in a red suit was present during this time. Why do people decorate their lawn and roof tops with hideous displays of crap result in what rendition of this religious holiday is baffling. And reindeer – I just heard about the camels. Perhaps Mary was delusional and thought she experienced Santa and his reindeer. Giving birth is nor pleasant and I could see Mary seeming to see anything at this time period. No HMO back in those days. I won’t even try to understand why people drag a tree into their homes and put all sorts of items onto it. The Christmas cards I don’t get either. Did the three wise men offer greeting cards while giving gold and tree products to this couple while having a baby? The cards we receive in the mail make no sense to me.
Does my medication need changing? I think not. The events of this holiday absolutely do not play out in my book. I won’t even touch the subject of the book that was written for these people who go to church.