I feel so tired. Watching the destruction of Hurricane Sandy during the past few days make my problems seem so minuet. Everything lately seems minuet. I know I’m moody, but today I’m so tired and feel guilty. My appointment yesterday was another repeat about several of the same inquiries about Straight, etc. I’m past all of that and question why the same questions so often – the same questions. I know I’m wasting his and my time at this point. I wouldn’t be upset if he terminates my treatment. The holidays are coming up and it certainly is his busy month. One of the reasons I stopped seeing him last time was because of his billing service. This girl is horrible and only frustrates me every time she sends a statement. I honestly do not believe she is trained in accounting. My friend who has a degree in international finance can’t even make heads or tails out of it. I didn’t look at the bill this past week. My friend did and was angry and will write a letter to this dimwit. I’m holding a check for $270.00 from the insurance company because no one knows if she will drop it into my account. She actually put another client’s insurance payment into my account which made my insurance reimbursement check bounce. I took no responsibility and never heard an apology for the total fuck up.
Why I include this in my blog? It is just a cliff I’m ready to jump off. Little things that keep occurring repeatedly don’t make sense to me and my husband works over-time to pay for this therapy. I feel small and incompetent. I can’t seem to say to Enemy anything that troubles me about his therapy techniques because he never asks. He continually brings up my previous therapist, whom he thinks little of. I don’t have anything to say on that subject. It’s like beating a dead horse. I can’t seem to do anything that will make this work.
He asked how long did I know of the “alters” (I hate that word). How am I supposed to know? He said that people find different cloths in their closet. He didn’t grow up in my family. No way would that have ever happened with my controlling mother. I simply don’t remember much a lot of the time. During our session I was so tense, I started squeezing my finger that had a bandage on it and watching the blood collect on the pad beneath the cut. My cat scratched my finger while I was trying to put a pill down her throat. I was visualizing two shiny razor blades while he was saying something. Lord knows what he was saying; I was watching my finger carefully hidden from his view. I just want to take a bunch of psych. pills and get away from it all for a while. This is going nowhere fast. I just feel like I’m screwing up and don’t know how to make it work. The repercussions are just insane if things do start to happen again.
In Straight they always said I was playing games. I didn’t know or understand what they meant by “games”. That was in the 70’s. I would just go through moods like leafing through a book. Different colors, some were fun and I looked forward to falling in and out of those. I don’t know when the dark ones were developed. The white one took the hits most often in Straight – I can imagine. You could never get mad, there was no reason to. But my life has been wonderful for years except for everyday stuff. Except for the mental illness stuff. Except the acting part, acting like everything is O.K. and fine when inside everything is not from time to time.
My friend dances with her cat. She is so crazy over her cats. She came over for dinner and embarrassingly explained how she stubbed her toe – dancing with her cat. I helped her feel less silly, telling her I dance with my pets, which I do. I cat does not like the Tango going down the hall. My Chihuahua does not like me holding her away from my body and twirling a round. Actually she has the oddest face like she’s saying “what the fuck are you doing? Where is my male human??? Help!!!” It’s nice to know normal people dance with their pets. I also dance in the rain at night. You only live once and who is going to see you? Maybe we should live in the country.
Halloween – I have to turn the lights off and keep the cats in. Survivor is on tonight that will kill some time. I have to finish my book “Psychopath Test” also. Very fun book to read.
Lastly, I’m going to cut my Latuda in half. I’m tired of drugs destroying my body. I may or may not call my PDOC to ask if this is O.K. I have already decreased one of my other meds. By .5, but it is a very minor psych. Drug