Light My Fire

My husband wants to invite my mother up for the holidays, either Thanksgiving or Christmas.  She is now a widow which means the holidays will be difficult this year for all of us.  I thought my father’s death would erase some of the hostile thoughts towards my mother and me, but I don’t know if they have or not.  I try to think what my father would want me to do for my mother now that he is gone.  I want to do the right thing.  How do I know what is the right thing under these circumstances?  Do I just let each day decide how I feel about how the past will influence my life?  I feel guilty for my behavior the last few months of my father’s life, all of which no one knows of.  They have no idea how I feel about our last disagreement when my brother caused such a problem too difficult to describe that had a domino effect, where my father left a phone message on our phone defending my mother.  I never heard it and my husband said not to because it was idiotic.
It was during the time I was taking Saphris and totally out of my mind and have no memory of the six or more weeks of my life.  I did get a new kitchen out of it my husband reminds me as I feel remorseful over that period of time. My sister did defend me and was extremely angry at what my brother did.  All blew over and my brother always comes out the best son no matter what antics he pulls.  He has a history of pulling crap out of no where and leaving those in his path totally unprepared for the damage left behind.  Words can be so difficult to retract, especially in writing.  My husband will no longer allow me or himself to communicate with my brother.
What’s funny is I pulled the estranged family all together during my father’s illness which was a feat all in its’ self and now that my father is no longer with us, I’m the one who is watching from the outside by choice for the moment.  The dynamics have changed.  My sister is moving in to be the dominate one, yet my mother prefers my brother by a long shot.  I will never be my mothers “go-to” family member, but she thinks the world of my husband. My mother is a very independent woman but the image thing gets in her way I believe strongly.  My husband’s family is my true family, since I was 15 years old and have been loved for the most part unconditionally, especially after I gave birth to my second daughter who looked Asian.  Family means a great deal to me, especially when I’m not with the program – as in “nuttier than hell”.  They are very understanding.
I just don’t know.  I’ve had three good weeks so far as far as waking up normal without any bad reports from my husband although the thought of checking out is so present often.  This is something I can’t tell anyone either.  “Yes enemy, I want to check out for a while so look the other way and don’t answer my husband’s phone call if he even calls you“.  I don’t think my husband is a great fan of Enemy any way after Enemy said that he has the final and first say whether I should be hospitalized.  My husband will make that decision, but this is about my mother being invited here for the holidays.
I don’t know how I will feel when the holidays approach the homestead this year.  How do you plan your mental status?  Some years are smooth sailing and some years I’m higher than a kite staving off anxiety that is knocking at my door.  I like to light fires/paper in my fire-place often and am fascinated with the flames when I find myself in uncaptured moods during the holidays.  During the rest of the year I’m not so prone to watch flames reach out for the paper I’m holding within their grasp.  Mesmerized would better describe how I feel during that time. Mesmerized with fire and the strength it holds with life in a delicate balance.
The oddities of life in my world.

About crystallball7

Creative,some say "eccentric", dark sense of humor,sensitive. Never the same for too long. Running from lost time. Longing to be on the beach, at the ocean, New England. Afraid of life, extremely afraid of life.
This entry was posted in bipolar disorder, dissociative identity disorder, mental health, Mental Illness, multiple personality disorder, personality disorder, psychology; M.P.D., D.I.D., psychotherapy, "The Enemy",psychologist and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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