Tired and tested comes to mind on my travels through psych. world. The insurance book-keeping problems, no consistency during therapy sessions, and a whole list of physical ailments such as headache, stomach ache in the morning I believe has to do with this current bout of D.I.D. of therapy and the list continues.
I have been given perhaps another choice that may erase this current episode of break through D.I.D. and PTSD in the way of medication. Although not a permanent fix, it will allow my husband to get on with his life easier and to have a more peaceful environment here at home after the deaths of two family members and counting. I’ve become mostly a non-participating member in my mental/psych care which is unfair to other people who need the time to see Enemy.
I am uncomfortable with the emotion of anger which is predominant after each session. It causes me to question what is really wrong with me as a human to have this anger when I am normally a nice person and accept people for who they are. Anger is such a powerful emotion and can do so much harm to my body and distance me from those I care about. I try to hide it which makes me seem reclusive.
The new medication will allow me to possibly regain my vocabulary and my short-term memory which has been sparse. I read very little now because I will not remember the content most of the time. It is very hard to recount any material I have read, conversations I have had are a strain and of course therapy sessions are a hit or miss. The emails I shoot out to Enemy are so disrespectful that I am astounded a week later, they are so full of anger for absolutely no reason. I’m at the point of blocking him from my personnel account again, probably today. I never call his service and never would.
The draw back to the new medication would of course be that of adding yet another chemical to my body. This is a large factor as to why we started therapy in the first place. I always felt medication stifled who I really am as a person. Medication is just a mask to hide behind, but not at my husband’s expense. Enemy and my husband were talking about hospitalization Tuesday if my behavior (over medication) didn’t stop. I have little control over that when it happens and it is so minor, I just take an extra xanax for sleep ( once in a great while) because I need to get away or as my husband says “check-out”, yet apparently I continue to do more such as drink alcohol and bump into furniture, etc. The focus of hospitalization triggered the rape in a hospital when I was sixteen-years old, my sister is pretty sure this occurred which goes with the flash backs I used to have for years. So, another reason for a deviation from therapy.
It’s a lot to think about. Enemy could care less I would believe at this time. He is going to talk to my PDOC which will firm up the strong relationship with that of my PDOC and I, and there lack of any or very mild interaction with the Enemy. Twelve years trumps Enemy’s crude attempts to interfere in my medical care which is very important for my privacy between my PDOC and me.
Again, I really wish I could talk to a neutral person in this field about where I’m at and how to make this decision. I tried looking for such a person last time I was in therapy, but no such person exists. It’s a tight-knit group, which would mean nothing would stay confidential.
Here in Colorado it will be a beautiful weekend and I am going to try to forget my current problems. O.K., that will happen after I take my afternoon Xanax and fall into a restless sleep for 20 minutes, but I will make every effort to enjoy this weekend and stay off of my email and delete Enemy’s address. One less spark of anger to ignite.