Another repetitious session. I may have a short-term memory problem while adjusting to one of the medications, but am capable of remembering sessions from the past. I took .05 of Xanax one and a half hours before session due to the heat I experiences, but still am on my game. I just did not have anything to say or he had nothing to say. I just had one prevailing thought at times as to the questions he would pose to me – my thought -“You are the professional, don’t expect me to know the fucking answer to your inane questions!”. I’m still very capable of becoming extremely agitated at ridicules questions. I did ask him if he knew when I had taken something before I came into his office at times and he replied “sometimes”. I’d bet those are the times I put Bailey’s in my coffee and or both Bailey’s and take Xanax. I usually just stare at him during those sessions. He has a plant in front of the window now which makes it much more difficult to stare out of. I did notice the evil animals Tuesday. The flat pillows on the couch. I was ticked off the whole session but he couldn’t figure it out until I spoke of my irritation the last 10 minutes. I watch the clock and usually wait until the last 10 minutes to say anything of importance when I’m tired of life .
Why do Enemy’s say “I understand?” They have no unearthly idea what the hell I feel and certainly do not understand. I made sure he did not understand. It’s like when someone dies and people come up and say “They are in a better place. “ WTF??? With Ted Bundy and the terrorists? What the fuck are you talking about ass hole? “I understand.” No you don’t understand what happened the last year of my father’s life and my relationship. You have no fucking idea and pretend to understand my life. No one can change time. Time doesn’t heal. You can’t bring back time. You can talk to time. Maybe I can talk to my dad some day. Maybe I can use my gift, but now I’ll let time fuck with my mind. But no one will tell me they understand. Why hasn’t anyone said “I will be here when ever you want to talk about what is bothering you.”
My energy level comes in spurts. I could care less. Sleep is much interrupted. If I could concentrate this would be fine, I’d be reading several books at a time, but that is not so. I would like to read up on the presidential candidates, but am too tired. I don’t think either one will benefit our tax bracket. We are in the middle and have insurance . Things could change of course. It’s my priority to stay sane to allow my husband to get certified in software engineering this year. He’s already a hardware engineer in computers but has the foresight to see where that field will be headed in the future. He’s very smart except for marrying me. He could have done much better.
My pets are hypocrites. I lay down barely on their oversized bed, with my 16-year-old boney dachshund and large orange tabby yesterday. The dachshund lifted her head totally uneasy and kept looking at me, after five minutes she vacated the bed. The tabby left the bed, but came back and lay next to me on the carpet. They have absolutely no problem sleeping in my bed! They take up so much space that my husband and I had to buy a king-size bed years ago for the pet population in our house. Now the 3 cats have their own room at night. But lay a little on their bed! I like to lie down on the carpet to see what their world looks like. It’s really a cool place they co-habitate. Maybe they don’t want me to see how lucky they have it, two worlds, theirs and the human world. Imagine a world without words. Painful words.