Somatization disorder often goes hand in hand with the D.I.D. diagnoses. This is the uncomfortable ailments that causes your body to I say reject you by using pain or discomfort any way possible. I ended up at a Gastroenterologist due to an increased abdominal pain on the left side of my body last year. I had the endoscopy performed and of course they found nothing. I was ticked; knowing there was something wrong with the results and argued with the nurse until they prescribed something for the continued discomfort. I never did take the medication, realizing I did not want another chemical in my body. The OBGYN was also involved in something, which I will probably not go back to because I’m still upset that he won’t address the heat that is a constant issue with me. My primary physician has reassured me that I’m O.K., and I trust him, although it does not take away the fear that follows me relentlessly. I only see my physician once or twice a year. My PDOC says this heat occurrence is because I have a very sensitive system. I guess I have to understand this as a logical explanation. I try so hard to digest this information, but am still thinking there really could be something clinically diagnosed incorrectly. I am not a doctor junkie and do not shop around looking for answers, so will continue using ice-packs and take Xanax in the afternoon, which refreshingly works most often. Yesterday I didn’t take Xanax and the heat actually started during the session and was relentless all day and night. Having the knowledge that somatization is in essence a crock of bull in the way it is punishing me for talking about my colors, does not help to stop the physical discomfort. My knees are also being affective – they are beginning to buckle while I’m walking – out of no where, no warning. I know it’s not the “fight or flee” thing because I would feel the tingle on the bottom of my feet before hand. I know what to do should that happen, but in session? I believe I will just tell Enemy2 to call my husband and tell my husband to wait for me outside of the building and leave very quickly without a word. It’s too embarrassing to allow anyone to see it take place. I most certainly do not want Enemy2 to think I’m a hypochondriac.
Yesterday was session day. I hope it is normal to remember parts of the session and find the rest boring and forgetful. I realized he may not be loosing his hearing. I have thought a lot of people I talk to in passing are hard of hearing when it dawned on me that perhaps they just can’t hear me! I questioned my husband and he said of course this is the problem. He also said I have begun to mumble lately, which is probably the Lutuda and I feel because I’m simply bored with the content of the sentence I’ve started and just finish it with what ever is convenient at the time. I do this during a session. I start talking about something or begin to answer a question, then something else comes up more interesting to me, and change to subject mid sentence. I must be frustrating, but it doesn’t bother me.
Enemy wants to focus on colors. After 20 minutes, I’m through and keep trying to steer the subject any where possible. His evil animals I don’t even notice any more, they may not be there. Honestly I did not re-establish sessions to ruin my group of colors and to exploit them and their communication, which there is absolutely none of at this time. I mailed a few things I had found in a folder I had written in the early nineties and 2003 last week. Some made no sense, but he found meaning in some of it I assume. I have more, but no need to share all of my personal communication. It will remain mine forever.
At the end of the past two sessions he has asked about blending the colors together. I don’t know if he is trying to antagonize me. You don’t blend a pit-bull dog with a sweet gentle kitten. I’ve patiently told him twice “no”. I will tell him nothing next week and he’ll just have to believe he didn’t hear me once again.
My husband and I are planning a trip to Seattle/Oregon/Victory Island the first of October which will make this craziness decrease for a week. Last week while we were traveling home, the flight attendants had to give me an ice-pack which was nice, but tiring on my part. I forgot to take Xanax and was wired the 5 hours home with one layover in Miami. Most passengers were asleep or reading their I pads or other electronic devices. At one point I decided I needed to locate the exit doors and kept looking back and this tall gentleman sitting straight up in his seat wide awake just kept staring at me! It was creepy until I realized he may be a TSA. I thought it would be cool to go ask to see his gun, but my husband was asleep next to me and I didn’t want to wake him up. Then my attention went to the storm outside of my window which also reflected the passenger in front of me in first class. I love to try to figure out who people are and their professions. Always look at the ring finger, cloths and shoes. This guy was well dressed, I knew the designer of shirt he was wearing just by how it wore on him. He had a book of white paper with figures and drawings, but I couldn’t focus on what they were until the last few minutes of the flight. I was so extremely excited – circles, lines, numbers and diagrams as he flipped through the pages of a 5 x 7 memo book. He finally stopped at one page with a circle with an arrow piercing through and numbers on three of the divided sides and a few notes right of the circle. I was so extremely excited, I wanted to go sit next to him and pick his brain. Unfortunately my husband finally woke and didn’t understand what I was trying to excitedly tell him, expecting him to let me scoot over and have this exciting conversation with this older man! I felt my husband should have given me credit for not going down the aisle to talk to the large/tall military like man dressed like a TSA officer sitting wide awake staring at me every time I was holding the exit tragedy manual looking for the exit doors! I was truly concerned if first class passengers would share their door with those of us lowly economy passengers.
I am excited about my newest idea about saving money while flying and drinking alcoholic beverages. I never ask how much the wine is, just hand the attendants the card and forget about it. But my dentist gave my husband and I sample size mouthwash bottles last month and it gave me a great idea! Why not put vodka or clear liquor in the bottles? We never see the beverage cart but once during the flight and it would go great with Xanax! This could work! I think I’m going to look around for sample bottles at Target that might work; I may collect enough for a fine glass or two of Pinot Grigio. I often bring empty water bottles while traveling; I can just fill it up before we board the plane. I’m excited now. To hell with no drinking before 4:00 in the afternoon rule, I’ll make exceptions. To hell with exit doors that would never help when flying into a mountain any way. This pre-occupied my thoughts much of my time last week. I have a new plan to focus on.
I can now throw away the manual I took off the plane with me that I was going to study. I’ve never been so pre-occupied about simple matters before, but for five hours this was such a boring flight! I can see why people run up and down the aisles. There are no beverage carts with food, no attendants to ask questions about flotation devices (when was the last time they were inspected) these are questions I need to know. O.K., I’ll end here. I may keep the manual if I wake-up at 3:00 A.M. questioning the exit strategy on this particular airline. Questions such as ‘are all exit’s the same on all carriers? What happens if a mental crazy person is sitting next to an exit door? How effective are taser guns at high altitudes?” Just simple questions at a need – to know basis at 3:00 A.M.
Gosh, Latuda seems to be a little off tonight.