I have no idea how to make the correct decision. My father has been ill for several years. He has been in Hospice intermediate for a week and supposedly doing better and getting ready to come home. I do not live in the state that my family live in. I can never live in that area again. My husband and I did go back a few years ago for four months and I became mentally unstable when we returned to our state. My father has become very ill in the past few days. He is incoherent, unstable and a list of old people syndromes. Sorry, not up to politically correct terms tonight. Mother and I haven’t spoken to each other in a few years. Lost track of time. I haven’t spoken to father in a year. I haven’t spoken to brother since he pulled some erratic B.S. a few months ago and I apparently had an “episode” I was told and instructed to never speak to him again. Otherwise I do have a healthy genre of friends here in Colorado. Very odd to say the least. Nothing threatening here other than Enemy #2 and PDOC. The problem is do I go to the father/state now or wait for the inevitable?
I have flash-backs in August due to parents putting me into Straight Inc., in 1978. Obviously I have problems with parents to this day and mother has always been a problem. This isn’t about her, but about father. They are concerned about me seeing him in the condition he is in now. I have only seen him in a O.K. condition, not as they have described. They are wanting me to remember him as he was when we left. I understand. He is not lucid very much they say. I have to make the decision. I have decided momentarily to ask the physician what the prognosis is. Father could be in this current state because of medication.
Another question is do I consider my health? Something is not right with my medication and I will not have an appointment with my PDOC until next week. I think the Seroquel has gone its limits and has gone out of my system. That is good, but my body feels like it’s on fire. I have to use ice-packs almost all day around my stomach and back. I haven’t slept walked in a week, again a positive, no more bruises. I’m very dependent on my husband and going to the other state would be fine, but I would not rent a car at the airport due to the long bridge going to the city. I will not go to the Hospice on my own because of the location – crappy part of town. I would go to the beach on my own. Reality is I don’t know how to handle fear if it finds me while my husband is in Colorado. Enemy #1 could talk me out of it.
My life growing up was like a rose-bush if you can wrap your mind around that. A yellow rose-bush. A lot of branches with thorns and then you see a yellow rose come out of a branch of thorns. More branches and then a yellow rose. My childhood did have it’s roses. If I can see the roses and get this wrapped in my mind, perhaps the decision could be made a little easier.
But what would father want? At this point I really can’t know. I know he would want mother and brother to be talking to me. Husband says “no” because he has to keep me safe. I don’t have any idea other than I don’t want to be apart of this situation and am extremely immature it seems. And when this is all over I will no longer be apart of their lives. I’m O.K. with that. My husbands extended family is my family and we have so much love to go around. I realized last week that we have so many stories and inside jokes that my own family has never had with me. Mother kept all relatives away from the family. Odd lady. When I was diagnosed Bipolar 1, she was mortified and after I was released from the hospital, off she hid me into a drug rehab.
This is about my father who did like me. What would he want of me?
I don’t know.