Another hot day, in the 90’s. My next nut appointment is early next week allowing my husband and I to go to the mountains to spend the day to forget the appointment. It’s beginning to be bothersome again, I woke up this morning with the thought of being a fool to believing every thing Enemy said to me yesterday. Is this a trust issue or something else going on? This is where I wish I could talk to Enemy #1 who would know the answers. Maybe my PDOC could help, but I won’t let Enemy talk to him right now. I have to continue to control of my environment for now. If he presses me on this subject I will either get a PDOC through the health care network or consider walking.
The topic of the conversation of the 45 minutes was mainly about the colors, which were around since the 70’s that I remember while I was hospitalized then returned during the early 90’s lastly a year or so ago. Enemy of course wants to give them the title “alters” and I want to just maintain the status “colors” – energy in a unique order in my odd little brain. I have the map somewhere put away I think. I destroyed all of my journals except one. At the time I thought in my twisted mind that this pain would all go away much as taking a handful of drugs like many years ago. That method does work for a few days, but for some reason I always woke up. Am I disappointed? I don’t want to hurt my husband. I didn’t want to disappoint Enemy in the 90’s. I’m on survival mode this time and am going to work hard, although it’s beginning to become difficult not to fall into old habits again. I’d like to know how Enemy will address this potential rebellion again.
The topic of physiology with colors and alters came up yesterday. Very complicated. Numbers also involved with the work of their findings. I just don’t see anything tangible with the studies, but to be fair I haven’t read any studies. I feel educating myself too early about this new idea would only give me ideas, etc. I prefer to think of colors and synthesis. My sister watches a lot of doctor shows and any time she feels something wrong, she “knows” it has to be this or that. She knew everything about the bipolar disorder when we reconnected a few years ago by reading everything she could lay her hands on. I have been medicated for years except when I’ve messed around with the drugs/poison, therefore I am really uninterested about the subject of “Bipolar Disorder”.
My husband bought me a small transistor radio a few weeks ago. I have wanted one for my kitchen since I cannot figure out how to use the CD player/IPod and what ever else it is called to play music I like around the house. Being married to a computer guy you can imagine how high-tech we are. I was talking to my daughter on the phone one day and I told her I had to turn down my transistor radio and she asked me what a transistor radio was! She has a weather station radio so I began with “boom box” and “weather station” and that my radio was the size of a deck of cards. I think she go it. If all else failed I suggested she Google it under radio shack. God do I feel ancient!!!!
Back to watching the hot guys jump the hurdles in the Olympics! Cuba – outstanding!!!!! OMG!!
I know I should be watching the runners, but …….