Where to start. My sister is up for 17 days. Need I say more? The first three days I once again heard about my childhood which I really needn’t have heard nor revisited. She is out going and speaks loudly which I don’t. Her two children are pleasant enough, one 14 and the other 9 years of age who of course carries all the gossip. I as a rule do not care for gossip as I am usually the victim of such pain of the words. I choose my friends wisely and seldom do we speak of other people in a negative context. Of course we are not perfect and when trying to figure out motives of some people we run into or just are pissed at someone, we do offer verbal concern. Concern makes it somehow less mean, as gossip seems hurtful to me. My husband is Mr. Nice and sometimes I have to remind him that I am a female and I need to vent and he needs to say “I understand dear”! and I add “I think you are correct” that always brings a smile to my self and he may get a little something on the side if you know what I mean.
Apparently I zoned out Tuesday night after my sister and her children left for Breckenridge for four days. I took my meds. As usual possibly more and .5 Ambien. I feel I must have been extremely stressed about the visit. I ate a slice of key lime pie which I’m crushed about because I really want to be awake to savor the event of eating anything sweet! I also ate some M&M’s and worse I wrote an email to Enemy. Nothing bad this time. My sister is really nice and I have no idea why I’m so stressed about this visit. My basement is totally finished with 2 bedrooms, complete kitchen including a dishwasher, pool-table, work-out room, etc. Her daughter is staying upstairs in another bedroom. They stay down stairs often, giving me time alone, yet I’m feeling intruded upon. Perhaps if she hadn’t brought up the past I wouldn’t associate her with the unpleasant reality that I keep trying to put out of my mind forever.
I was reading the book “Pride & Prejudice” by Jane Austen. It reminded me of my mother. My mother lives in a wealthy neighborhood, although she is anything but wealthy. She has no insurance on her decreptive old house with a leaky roof. It is in so much disrepair, but it is in a wealthy neighborhood, how could she ever leave? Prejudice? She is all about art and moving the section 8 families out to move more of the art district into the area. The section 8 area is close to the bay and you will only push the families into the water. She loves them dearly she tells me, but to name one of the main streets “Martian Luther King” just ticks her off. Need I say more? She became unglued when I mentioned that I voted for Clinton one year. I just thought he was so adorable, but I didn’t tell her!
Therapy is fine for now. Just questions and answers. I’m no longer trying to find a motive to his questions. I’m only there for one person and it’s not me. Whoever has been communicating with Enemy can present herself when ever she wants. I will just come in and be the responsible party until then. I hope this makes sense. I gave up trying to understand this long ago. This Tuesday I’m to start drawing on a pad of paper again. Of course I don’t want to. I hate doing things he wants me to do. Hey, still me who comes to the office, can’t help that. Wish I was well. He and society wants me in their square box and I want to live in my crazy circle dimension of life as I see fit. Is that asking too much???
I am scared. I am depressed, but hope no one knows how much. I cannot cry tears. I miss my sister-in-law and wonder how she is. We will be going back to Texas in a week and a half to see her husband and family and friends. I guess my husband needs this. I just hope this flight/fight episode doesn’t happen again. We still don’t know what triggers it. Texas in July. I am afraid of driving and now I worry about semi-trucks every time we get close to them. I think of Anna dieing by a crack ass hole driving one and hitting the van she was in. He’ll not spend much time in prison I bet.