The latest development in my life is I will once again begin therapy with the Enemy. We realized this episode was serious and my future would not be of substance if we didn’t understand what was causing the problems I continue to experience. I’m 51 and emotionally at times that of an adolescent or younger. People who know me remind me that I am humorous and label me as “eccentric”, I assume to help me feel less than a miserable failure at life. That is where I am at the cross roads with – normalcy.
I don’t know what is real for me and what is real for the normal society. Are the people in the psy. world trying to put me in a tiny box labeled “normal blond?” I wish to be me and not someone they believe fit for the world around them and society. I’m creative and see things differently, is that wrong or unhealthy? Where do they draw the line? With Saphris I was having the best time I have had in years. I’d wake up early in the morning so happy, as if it were the best day of the year. I had so many new ideas I just couldn’t wait to tell my husband. I was going a mile a minute. They were good ideas. But then I was taken off that drug. No reason. They just didn’t think it was working. Then another new drug, but that too wasn’t good enough. Now another, Latuda which makes me right back where I was a year ago.
I was at Costco during Christmas and saw a DVD program for developing a Family Tree. I didn’t buy it because it didn’t come with a chain saw.
When I was at my appoint with Mr. Mean (PDOC) I mentioned that all of my psychologist give up on me, that I go through them. He assured me that he was still with me and wasn’t going anywhere. Then he said he would be out-of-town for 2 weeks, to Italy. I commented that Italy was the only country that would let him in. No reaction. I try my hardest to make these people stop seeing me. He is a month younger than me and puts up with my crap quite well. My husband quit giving me the evil eye when ever I say something unkind to my PDOC.
I am to begin seeing Enemy this coming Tuesday. He has assured me that there are no cameras or voice recorders in the office. I will try to believe this, although I believe there are cameras everywhere I go. I watch the show “Person Of Interest” on T.V. I also feel everybody is looking at me which doesn’t help this phobia. I could try to bring someone else along and stay quiet. My life is odd at this time.
I saw a woman with a very elongated rear end. Kind of fat but wide as hell. I told my husband if she starts to back up we’ll hear “beep,beep,beep…” He tried not to laugh. I was discreet and she didn’t hear. I whispered in my husbands ear. I’m very polite.
Our kitchen is almost completed. Countertops will be in this coming Saturday. Plumbing taken out and re-installed next Monday. Electrical next Monday and my sister will be in Monday, July 1st. Xanax, xanax, xanax! I am truly apprehensive about her visit. She doesn’t mean to be judgmental, but she is. My friends like me and my house the way it is. My art is nutty and a few boxes and cart has smashed pieces of glass in one room, office is cluttered in an organized way and the cat room is newly decorated. I spend a lot of money with my interior designer decorating the rooms, but my hobbies take a little space. Pictures are all framed with professional care the least I pay is $165.00 going up from there. I’m a detailed person, but am afraid she’ll see the stuff that is unnoticed by my friends like two cat condos in the formal living room, etc.
Stress is closely monitored. My husband is afraid of another episode, so we are to just do what we normally do on a day-to-day business. I do think of my sister-in-laws untimely death. When I find myself in another mood, I want to be with her. I have to watch that mood and try not to give it too much rein right now. Just get through this 17 day visit.
I’m tired. I have to take .05 of Xanax in the afternoon due to high anxiety, a throw back from Straight Inc. from 1978. Hope Enemy can make that extreme fear/hell once and for all go away. Once the fall weather comes back, the anxiety lessens and I no longer need to take anything as there is no hold of fear attached to me.