Fishing Without A Hook

When I was a child, I was given a fishing pole and instructed to put the fishing line with the “pretty bobbin” into the ocean and to wait until it wiggled.  Soon after my bobbin did indeed wiggle!  I reeled in the fishing line and saw the prettiest fish.  I was so excited that I got to see a fish. I let it go back into the ocean and thought what a nice day.  I never thought I was “lucky” I just presumed this was what was supposed to happen.  People continued to tell me how luck followed me as a child which of course never made sense.  I just “put a fishing line in the water as expected” was my thinking process.  As a child my parents would close the curtains in my bedroom at night and in the morning I would open them and see the sun, which is how it would mostly work if it was not raining.  School was the same; I would memorize the material and pass the tests.  People would say I was a smart child.  I thought this was just “putting a fishing bobbin in the water as expected”.  As I grew up, I continued to chase down that luck, winning a record album from a radio station, free sundaes, movie tickets and many more gifts.  Always when my days were bright and carefree.

 

My luck changed when I was mentally exhausted, unable to make sense of what was happening in my parent’s home.  Many years of inconsistencies would bring my luck to a stand still.  My fishing pole gathering dust, I forgetting the lesson I had learned when I was a young child.  Was I waiting for the bobbin to wiggle, or was I unable to control the environment that the fishing pole and line were in?  Maybe the reel and line were tangled. 

 

At the age of eighteen, I left to live in another state far away, leaving my fishing pole and bobbin behind.  My life filled with confusion slowly began to unravel into a tightly spun reel ready for a bobbin.  With a successful husband and two lovely adult daughters, years later my life had turned around to the first day I had put a fishing pole into the ocean.

 

 

Two years ago I went back to my parent’s home for a 4 month visit.  My husband and I occupied another house while we lived there.  We wanted to aid my father in his health related care and with some of their home repairs.  It was nice to get to know them better as we had only seen them on short visits from time to time. I think the greatest gift was getting acquainted with my sister whom I had distanced myself from for many years.  It is wonderful having her in my life again. After my father’s health improved it was time to go.  As we drove over that bridge that I had caught my fish, I told my husband my story of the fish and how my bobbin had “wiggled” on that day many years ago.

 

I never expected the forgotten memories, fears, and unknowns to follow me back home to Colorado two years ago, or I would have grabbed my old fishing pole with that bobbin.  I do have a key chain with a bobbin somewhere that I may have to find and just hold it when I feel that dark feeling slowly approaching me.  I’m going to replace the helplessness with the thought of a four-year old girl putting a fishing line into the ocean for the first time and waiting for a pretty bobbin to “wiggle”.

 

It’s not being lucky, just what is expected in life.

 

There was never a hook on the bobbin…that is the beginning of the story of why I was signaled out as being the “lucky” child.

 

The fish became tangled up in the fishing line of my reel.

 

I was the only one who caught a fish that day and the only one without a hook.

 

Life lesson.

 

 

 

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About crystallball7

Creative,some say "eccentric", dark sense of humor,sensitive. Never the same for too long. Running from lost time. Longing to be on the beach, at the ocean, New England. Afraid of life, extremely afraid of life.
This entry was posted in alter's/colors, bipolar disorder, communication/repercussions, D.I.D., dissociative identity disorder, mental health, Mental Illness, MPD, multiple personality disorder, ocean, personality disorder, psychology, psychotherapy, "The Enemy",psychologist, Straight Inc. and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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