I have no idea how I am doing in chat session. He is using a new approach – abandonment. It’s a technique that produced results a couple of times in the past year, but I’m not fond of the technique. I know it’s his job to draw out the “moods” any way possible and if this produces the effects he’s after I don’t know if I want to be a party to it, I’m actually hearing “I will not play in his sandbox”. It’s a metaphor of some sort. Yeah, I know I am resistant to communication, I don’t know how to get past this trust issue if that is the problem.
Initially when I come in I suddenly feel like someone has put a white pillow over my face for a moment and has left me a fugitive in my body. I don’t understand what the hell he’s asking me and I’m beginning to question if at age 50 I’m showing signs of Alzheimer’s. I feel so defeated as I hear the one voice saying “ let’s go, time to go, good – he’s right – you didn’t continue with the art therapist, yes – he is not helping you – time to go, “. He asked if I understood a question – something about giving the moods time at home. I don’t know what that means. I don’t know if I even asked. After that question I thought why should I continue this painful experience if I am in the early stages of Alzheimer’s? I know, I have 45 minutes to work on my lack of communication and I’m thinking of my future life with the Alzheimer’s disease. Yes, I do know moods run interference during chat sessions. I haven’t used my drawing tablet for a couple of sessions which helps to lessen intrusive thoughts that encompass my mind.
The expression “If looks could kill” he would be dead so many times over. The words won’t come out. They most certainly did with Enemy #1, but I knew he would never drop me as a client. Maybe it is a trust issue. He tells me I am making progress, than he’ll tell me I’m not and maybe it’s him. The art therapist didn’t work out, which some how was my fault. Honestly, I would have been all over him on that one, but I just sat there probably thinking about the belt I had wanted to buy for the same price of what she was charging to draw a fucking lord knows what. And again, I never got any, absolutely any feed back of what I drew, which is what we paid $125.00 for her services. I should have jumped all over his ass for that statement!
Wednesday I kept thinking of the Christine Aguilera song “Genie In A Bottle “– just the first line and the melody. I never remember all of any songs, no matter how many times I listen to them. Today I thought about the line and laughed because of the timing of it – a day after chat session. After two Cosmo’s with my friends perhaps twice a year, this song is also a contender. You would have to know the normal, fun me without the restraints of this life.
The lyrics are fun to read with the song.