Saturday began innocently enough, however became invisible to me until the next morning, on Sunday. I simply drank one shot of Brandy and took my customary Xanax at 1:00 P.M. to respect Chi’s anniversary date, thus the toast to his memory. I set my coffee maker for a strong brew, for when I would wake up, in two hours as usual. Well that never happened. I found two emails to Enemy the next morning in my account, leaving me very uncomfortable. The first was at 7:13 P.M., which I can make very little sense and the second was at 10:16 P.M. where I said that I lit a candle for Chi and put it in the fire-place and that perhaps we could light the evil stuffed animals Monday (my next Appt.). I also said to disregard the previous email saying it made no sense. In between the two emails, I apparently fired him, but left that email in a draft. Old habits are hard to break, as I used to try to fire my first Enemy as I recall. Again, I do not know how to put emails into a draft. So now I have blocked another Email account. I don’t like communicating through writing, totally not my comfort level.
Chat session was better. Enemy asked what I remembered about Saturday. Not much, I have no idea how I lit the candle; just that I chose the candle that was safe and knew to put it in the fire-place. My wrist has a few scratches and a bruise indicating I probably fell against the brick at one point. That is all I can remember. I learned that alters can set houses on fire. Perhaps I should take the matches and lighters out of the house? It was a disturbing revelation. Later when I relayed this message to my husband, I thought of the emails and wondered if Enemy thought to call my husband and to tell him that I was fucked up and lighting candles in the house without adult supervision. I don’t know, just a thought? I’m just relieved I disable the phone and I never use my cell phone enough to cause problems as I have done in the past. I don’t know what colors are out, who fires Enemy, who continues to take care of the cats and dogs on schedule and stays on task, as my husband says everything looked normal except for the spilled dog food on the counter. I’m very organized in my kitchen. We found a couple of pills on the floor, but realized I had filled my dispenser Saturday night, so I put that away and pretty much did not think of the incident until chat session.
During Chat Session I realized that morning (Monday) I had found two Seroquel tablets on the floor. That was odd to say the least. I was using the tablet and one colored pencil during the session which usually makes me chattier. We discussed the art therapy, which will take place soon. Enemy is also working on increasing my sessions to one and a half hours a week. I don’t know how I feel about that. My colors/alters are in layers and the aggressive ones are on the left side, which take longer to reach. How to explain? Years ago when I was working with D.I.D., we had to go through each alter starting from the right/ younger to the left/older aggressive alters. I think it goes, the aggressive alters are protecting the younger alters? I really don’t know how it works any more and feel the less I know the less likely I will be able to ambush my therapy.