Roundabout With Mr. Tambourine Man

Yesterday I asked Enemy if he knew what would happen if a person is responsible for his/her own death.  I wanted to know his thoughts on the subject.  I’m not religious and have no idea what people of faith believe where you go if you take your own life.  I’m curious about this subject as the book I’m reading addresses everything about the sole, yet not what happens if you leave the physical body when you are ready to.  I believe life is already predestined, yet there is room for change.  I again have no plans I am aware of, however there seems to be times that I am very vulnerable.  We talked about those times and I learned during that time of feeling helplessly incapable of surviving another day in this body, I was experiencing an alter.  I think that’s how it goes.  It makes more sense because I’m fine up until this overwhelming “event” takes place and I’m convinced this is the time to finally leave.  We talked about what I should do – I’m to call Enemy.  I just don’t want to bother him.  I rationalized I could take a couple of Xanax and wait for it to go away, but when I’m in that state of mind, I’m encouraged to take a lot of pills and it has moved onto another drug I also take which is much more dangerous. It’s a touchy subject.  I’ve never brought up this subject, being as straight forward in the past.  I don’t want to hold Enemy hostage with my questions.  As to my question, he has no idea and no thoughts on the subject.

I inquired about hospitalization, etc.  He answered this question so indirectly it reminded me of the “Roundabouts” intersections. I’m trying to follow the explanation as to when patients are locked up and I simply could not follow the dialogue.  The ending of the answer was something about a “trip” and I said I have a trip in my drawer.  Unless Collin Ross has a clinic around here I have nothing to worry about.  The roundabouts in Boulder are so twisted; I never could get the concept of who I was to yield to and pitied any pedestrian I came across.  Some Boulder neighborhoods have narrower roads and they simply took out stop signs on some of the intersections, threw cement in the middle and put up yield signs.  That’s how I think when people are avoiding the answer to a question truthfully, yet are using the correct buzz words to seem like they are providing me with the answer I want to hear.  That’s pretty much how the 45 minutes went.  The evil stuffed animals are still there. My husband never forgets to addresses the evil objects.  It does lighten the mood on the drive home, as we discuss what I can do the following week to the detested objects.  I think my husband gets off on the ideas as well as we suggest flame throwers, water blasters, scissors and what ever comes to mind.  I believe it is a healthy release of stress after what at times feels like interrogation.

My night life is crazier than ever.  Apparently I’m eating, which my husband thinks is cute.  I don’t, but it explains why the dogs are fat and why I find an occasional breakfast bar wrapper under the bed. I had an extremely bazaar I don’t know what you would call them – occurrences (?) last night.  I was asleep and heard in my dream/REM state of sleep the pounding of a child’s drum and the shaking of a tambourine and was telling myself that this was what is was like to be crazy.  Then another dream came and went, then the drum and tambourine again. The precise sound of each instrument was eerie – I can still remember it exactly as if I were still in that place of REM sleep.  My cat kept waking me up, so I at one point was annoyed after throwing him out of the bedroom door.  It was an extremely disturbing night, but at this point maybe the alters are continuing to communicate their indignation yet in a new way. It truly is nothing I have ever experienced or expected further more to be the observer of such a weird REM state of sleep.  I really would like to see lottery numbers!!!!  Perhaps evil stuffed animals go up in flames?

I try to think of songs to go with my blogs and this one came up last night.  I just read the lyrics and find it interesting how close they describe Tuesday night.  I haven’t heard this song in a long time.  I am thinking of getting another MP3 and just putting music from the 60’s on it.

“Mr. Tambourine Man”

Hey ! Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me
I’m not sleepy and there is no place I’m going to
Hey ! Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me
In the jingle jangle morning I’ll come followin’ you.
Though I know that evenin’s empire has returned into sand
Vanished from my hand
Left me blindly here to stand but still not sleeping
My weariness amazes me, I’m branded on my feet
I have no one to meet
And the ancient empty street’s too dead for dreaming.

Hey ! Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me
I’m not sleepy and there is no place I’m going to
Hey ! Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me
In the jingle jangle morning I’ll come followin’ you.

Take me on a trip upon your magic swirlin’ ship
My senses have been stripped, my hands can’t feel to grip
My toes too numb to step, wait only for my boot heels
To be wanderin’
I’m ready to go anywhere, I’m ready for to fade
Into my own parade, cast your dancing spell my way
I promise to go under it.

Hey ! Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me
I’m not sleepy and there is no place I’m going to
Hey ! Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me
In the jingle jangle morning I’ll come followin’ you.

Though you might hear laughin’, spinnin’ swingin’ madly across the sun
It’s not aimed at anyone, it’s just escapin’ on the run
And but for the sky there are no fences facin’
And if you hear vague traces of skippin’ reels of rhyme
To your tambourine in time, it’s just a ragged clown behind
I wouldn’t pay it any mind, it’s just a shadow you’re
Seein’ that he’s chasing.


About crystallball7

Creative,some say "eccentric", dark sense of humor,sensitive. Never the same for too long. Running from lost time. Longing to be on the beach, at the ocean, New England. Afraid of life, extremely afraid of life.
This entry was posted in alter's/colors, bipolar disorder, D.I.D., dissociative identity disorder, Dream, mental health, Mental Illness, MPD, multiple personality disorder, psychology, psychotherapy, "The Enemy",psychologist, Sole, unconscious mind theories and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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