Perhaps we had a productive chat session yesterday, I’m still some what processing the 45 minutes of exchanging contradictory subjects. Enemy did speak to my friend in Mo. and brought up a few inquiries he had after their conversation. One subject was about the anniversary of my dog, Chi who passed on January 22, 2008. I said I have no plans to leave at that time and that I was feeling fine at the moment. I honestly am feeling fine currently however I’m up and down so much, who knows what the 22nd. will hold for me.
I can’t predict life. The second topic really had me upset and I was ready for it. I took 10.5 mgs. of Ambien, 2.5 mgs. of Xanax, plus all of my regular meds. the evening before chat session because I was so upset about this subject being brought up again. I also took 1 mg. of Xanax Tuesday morning and another .5 mg. a half hour before we left for Boulder. I made a strong cup of coffee to avoid falling asleep and was nodding off on the way to Boulder. I wonder if Enemy was able to detect that I was mildly sedated. My sister knew immediately when I talked to her on the phone after just taking 1mg.
The topic was about Enemy #1. I’ll just call him “h.” My friend brought up the subject because I asked her to as I didn’t feel this topic was resolved with Enemy. And it wasn’t. It is a deal breaker. The issue is that Enemy believes that H acted professionally – not in a good way, with me. H was so strict with me, it was nauseating at times. All of the experiences I’ve had with people in his profession, he was the least of my concern. The therapists I met before H Enemy should have been more concerned about their conduct. I don’t know what untoward act Enemy thinks happened between H and I, sometimes I think the more I object, the more he believes it’s true. The funny thing about this is, Enemy has a couch and two closed doors in his office and H had two very uncomfortable chairs, one door and a huge plate-glass window. I always sit with my legs crossed as I do when ever I sit in a chair at a theatre, booth at a restaurant; any where I can to be comfortable. I have a very slight curvature in my back that makes sitting in a chair for any length of time, very uncomfortable.
The last year I had sessions with H, they ran for about one to one and a half hours. With D.I.D. he had to go through several who would pull every stunt possible to avoid communication with one or two of the others. He had to deal with the Bipolar 1 disorder as I was not regulated with the medications; my husband was out of the state more often which put H in a difficult position as he was running interference, etc. I was not a compliant patient half of the time; I skipped out in the middle of this mess for perhaps three months which put everyone into a precarious position. It seemed like I was constantly testing the boundaries as H was constantly pushing back which no therapist had done before. He worked with another D.I.D. specialist outside of Dallas.
My friend and husband have talked about why Enemy would come up with this idea of H being unprofessional. H would hold my hands, sitting directly across from me while working with the alters only. Not before the sessions or after. Only during the alter communication. That simple. It was interesting – not all alters/colors would have contact either. White, who does not talk, would not hold his hands what so ever, but yellow who is next to white would after white’s presence was established. Both on the right side. We believe Enemy has an issue with that method, yet he denies that. I also burned all of my journals when I started chat sessions here in Colorado. That could cause another red flag. At that time I had checked out a few times and had read that hic-ups were a result of too many sedatives. I don’t want to leave any of my personal writings, thoughts behind should I die. I also want to start on a clean slate. I’ve talked to friends about this and they also have destroyed their journals. I simply have very little to hide in my life. My breeder, mother, took my journals from my childhood to Straight Inc. and when I got them back, so much of it was missing, I felt as if I was raped. I don’t want to leave anything like that behind should something happen to me. Other than those two reasons, we cannot think of anything else that would elicit Enemy’s belief of an untoward behavior between H and me.
The deal breaker? Alters are said to be from young defensive protectors. They like to please in some therapies and who knows what I will do. In Straight Inc., they for a time had me believing that I had ingested illegal drugs and should be punished. Of course that was untrue, but the mind is still an uncharted territory. I just know H was so proper, that I was uncomfortable sitting in a chair for that length of time every Saturday with my husband or friend sitting outside the door in the waiting room. Enemy has never seen me bite my fingers and watch the blood collect on tissue after tissue; perhaps he would have a better understanding. But I haven’t been coming in to chat session straight either. The last time I came in straight was the time he said He no longer could work with me. Good timing.
Of all the therapists I have ever seen, you would never, ever believe this one would be unprofessional what so ever. I’m so upset and sad. The insults I threw at H and crap I did to make him stop therapy, but he stayed to get this D.I.D. crap fixed, and now Enemy thinks something like this. It is upsetting.
I’m so tired. My husband said I’m sleeping too soundly, that the house could be on fire and I wouldn’t know it. I love three-month pharmacies.