I’m writing now because I usually am under the radar and seldom write. I have made no progress in therapy. He decided he can no longer help me, which I knew Saturday. I have concluded my future and did a while ago. I have not told him. I feel it’s selfish to continue living an existence that is and never has been one that was mine to begin with. I’ve been tired of trying to be living in so many moods and confused with all the inaccuracies. I am not sad. I want to get through the holidays.
I thought about what I would want to do if I had one last thing to do and I knew instantly – go to New England. Winter is too cold and dark, but I thought of the North Church last night – it is in the Italian area of Boston, has so much history. The odd thing about all of New England – I am not into history and do not believe in religion, but love the North Church. I finally slept a deep sleep with 5mgs. of Ambien, however I still continue to wake up early. I just ordered more than I need.
He asked something about my previous therapist. I know I think what worked – the sessions were longer. 45 minutes I think scare me? I’m not sure. If I pick a fight, which I used to do, we would have time to work it through. I don’t have the time here. But I could be wrong about the time limitations. Maybe I’m trying too hard or too less.
Something happened last night to confirm my hopes and dreams, to end this struggle. Nothing is working. He wants me to come back, I cannot do that. I felt so trapped today. He asked questions I knew the answers to but I could not answer. I can’t waste his time any further. It’s not fair to him or me. I need to be left alone. I am secure and know the comfort within is safe.
I have to prepare for Christmas Eve dinner here and Christmas dinner at a nice restaurant with a few friends who help donate gift cards to his client. I want everything to be special this year. That’s the easy part of being crazy in my world; I can pull it off perhaps, although my husband sees the slight changes. I am trying very hard to not close up. Thinking about Chi doesn’t help.
Christmas will be special.