Life Is But A Tight-Rope

Chat session has been somewhat complicated.  I don’t know how to help Enemy with this process of untangling the mind.  How does one work with images drawn from a dream?  Colors that are no longer verbally communicating through language?  There is absolutely no information on the internet.  I told him that I’ve decided not to dream any more.  He asked me in essence, how does that work?  I have no idea, but it seems to be working!  I really want to continue to work on this, but the last dream left me very distraught, especially after being so sick during the day before the dream.  He again mentioned that I could call him, but I have no idea what I would say, with the consequences of becoming ill.  I am so tired of being torn apart when I am a healthy person.  I usually don’t tell him what is happening, I believe it gives my system creditability.

I have completed my project. I emailed my close friends and family asking if they would like to give a gift card to a family with a member who is struggling with a mental illness.  I was able to give Enemy $300.00 – $270.00 of various gift cards and $30.00 cash from 7 of my friends/family including both my husband and I.  When I handed the box with the gift cards/cash to Enemy I asked that he find someone or two who could use them.  I am still surprised my sister and brother would not contribute, when all I asked for in my  email to everyone was just $10.00.  No one had to contribute, but they really cared for what I was doing. They have always supported me regardless of how nutty I get. I tend to try to alienate my family and friends when I am feeling my up most worst and want to end it all.

Mental illness is still taboo unfortunately, and I never hear about any one asking for donations for a family with mental challenges.  This year we had the means and that is why I thought it would be a nice thing to do.  And no – I do not believe in the “give it back” crap at all, as people have always helped  those in need when they are able to –  not for self-gratification.  For a celebrity to take credit, I am appalled and very tired of people bragging about “giving it back”.

Everyone keeps asking me what I want for Xmas, and I already know I have everything I could ever want or need.  If my friends and a few family members could ever be in my shoes for a week at times, they would know how special they make my life on some of “those days” when I am just giving in to this illness and the phone rings with their voice on the other end.  I don’t want to talk, but they stay on the line until I do.  Funny how that works.

I have now found a way to hide my true feelings, making everyone much more content with me and life in general.  I’m no longer walking on the tight-rope balancing precariously as I have felt for almost a year.  I am sitting on the net below, taking in the view, waiting, feeling content for now.  I’m not touching the ground where the human world walks, survives and “feels” life.  I am above the life of their world and below the presence of the uncertainties of life.  Life is not in my hands for now, as I sit on the net resting.

We’ll see how this year will end.  I’m no longer running the show, as much as I would like to at times.  I gave this mess to Enemy which takes the pressure from me for the first time.

Humor Me:

My identity may have been been compromised and is now being investigated by a detective Johnson.   The social security administration does not care about my number being used fraudulently.  They probably love that someone may be paying taxes through an employer.  The only bureau we could notify was the Federal Trade Commission, which I have no idea what they do, but our lawyer directed me to their website.

Wonder what Detective Johnson looks like in his uniform????


About crystallball7

Creative,some say "eccentric", dark sense of humor,sensitive. Never the same for too long. Running from lost time. Longing to be on the beach, at the ocean, New England. Afraid of life, extremely afraid of life.
This entry was posted in dissociative identity disorder, Dreams, Humor, mental health, Mental Illness, MPD, multiple personality disorder, psychology, psychotherapy, "The Enemy",psychologist and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Life Is But A Tight-Rope

  1. I'm DID & so am I says:

    I’m like you and never tell all. I have to have some secrets. Plus the shame of it all. Do you think it’s a good idea to hide your true feelings from you family. I can say it to you, but not myself. I’m always a different person around my family.

    Sorry to hear about your compromised identity.


    • Psy.’s have probably heard it all, however it doesn’t make it any more easier for us, or the various parts of us. Yes – the secrets never have enough time to talk when the appointment is only 45 minutes and we waste 5 or more on formalities. It was easier when I had another psy. person to talk to on the phone – maybe for someone? I keep a hidden blog also and once in a while will bring in an entry to my psy., which takes a lot of guts. I moved out when I was 18 and graduated high school – not soon enough. My husband lived in Texas by then and I lived in FL.

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