Chat session has been somewhat complicated. I don’t know how to help Enemy with this process of untangling the mind. How does one work with images drawn from a dream? Colors that are no longer verbally communicating through language? There is absolutely no information on the internet. I told him that I’ve decided not to dream any more. He asked me in essence, how does that work? I have no idea, but it seems to be working! I really want to continue to work on this, but the last dream left me very distraught, especially after being so sick during the day before the dream. He again mentioned that I could call him, but I have no idea what I would say, with the consequences of becoming ill. I am so tired of being torn apart when I am a healthy person. I usually don’t tell him what is happening, I believe it gives my system creditability.
I have completed my project. I emailed my close friends and family asking if they would like to give a gift card to a family with a member who is struggling with a mental illness. I was able to give Enemy $300.00 – $270.00 of various gift cards and $30.00 cash from 7 of my friends/family including both my husband and I. When I handed the box with the gift cards/cash to Enemy I asked that he find someone or two who could use them. I am still surprised my sister and brother would not contribute, when all I asked for in my email to everyone was just $10.00. No one had to contribute, but they really cared for what I was doing. They have always supported me regardless of how nutty I get. I tend to try to alienate my family and friends when I am feeling my up most worst and want to end it all.
Mental illness is still taboo unfortunately, and I never hear about any one asking for donations for a family with mental challenges. This year we had the means and that is why I thought it would be a nice thing to do. And no – I do not believe in the “give it back” crap at all, as people have always helped those in need when they are able to – not for self-gratification. For a celebrity to take credit, I am appalled and very tired of people bragging about “giving it back”.
Everyone keeps asking me what I want for Xmas, and I already know I have everything I could ever want or need. If my friends and a few family members could ever be in my shoes for a week at times, they would know how special they make my life on some of “those days” when I am just giving in to this illness and the phone rings with their voice on the other end. I don’t want to talk, but they stay on the line until I do. Funny how that works.
I have now found a way to hide my true feelings, making everyone much more content with me and life in general. I’m no longer walking on the tight-rope balancing precariously as I have felt for almost a year. I am sitting on the net below, taking in the view, waiting, feeling content for now. I’m not touching the ground where the human world walks, survives and “feels” life. I am above the life of their world and below the presence of the uncertainties of life. Life is not in my hands for now, as I sit on the net resting.
We’ll see how this year will end. I’m no longer running the show, as much as I would like to at times. I gave this mess to Enemy which takes the pressure from me for the first time.
My identity may have been been compromised and is now being investigated by a detective Johnson. The social security administration does not care about my number being used fraudulently. They probably love that someone may be paying taxes through an employer. The only bureau we could notify was the Federal Trade Commission, which I have no idea what they do, but our lawyer directed me to their website.
Wonder what Detective Johnson looks like in his uniform????