Chat session went O.K. Basically I came in with questions I printed as I no longer want any of myself present there. I don’t know if that makes any sense. The only thing I leave is a check in my hand writing. I no longer will bring in notes I find around the house or from the past while going through my belongings from years ago. I have moved on from that stage of sharing with Enemy. Contrary to the reason I come to seek his help and advise, but I pay for it in the long run – mentally and physically. The animosity towards Enemy from one “mood” is so strong; I am not going to go up against it at this time. Having experienced D.I.D. work before, I know how some of the alters work with each other, leaving me vulnerable. Things are going way too fast for me and without my trust in Enemy I have nowhere to go if I find myself in the middle of a power play. In this game, safety is a priority, which never made sense to me when working with alters. I’m not one to stand up to antagonistic people, alters included.
My questions about why I am “checking out” more often, basically there are more internal moods that are unsettled about things that are happening – my words. It’s in the D.I.D. books. The odd things I write when I’m out, one or more communicating, which was a given. I’m fine with that since I’ve been writing forever as a child. What can I do to stop the behavior? That I don’t know. Tuesday evening I thought about my past when my father drank all the time. I wonder if being an alcoholic was like that – did he drink because he wanted to check out. From what I understand, alcoholics intentionally pick up the bottle and drink and supposedly (I disagree) can’t stop. I have never picked up a Xanax and intentionally taken however many I do take until I wake – up when ever. Is this behavior for attention was my last question. Not at all was the answer to that question. I have to ask because it doesn’t make any sense to me.
Tuesday night, after I questioned Enemy and discussed what could cause me to “check out”; I had an awful dream, which reminded me of working with Enemy #1, 17 or more years ago. If I divulged too much information through one alter that another alter was not “happy” about, I would have repercussions. The rub – I never knew when this would occur. I would think chat session went very well and within hours something unpleasant would happen to me. Alters of course have the internal communication cell phone / family plan. They’ve come a long way from the early 90’s!
My dream Tuesday night was about my medical/therapy records from the therapy facility I had gone to in the 90’s with Enemy#1. The records I had just burned last week. In my dream I was in their office and saw a few of the same records and requested the papers back, telling the receptionist that they were mine, that she was not allowed to have them. She argued with me – no surprise – and wouldn’t give them back. I could see them so clear! She said she would have to call one of the therapists in the office. It was a horrible dream, as bad as having my rights violated. I don’t know how the dream ended, but I woke up at 3:00 A.M. and for a while felt so sad and defeated. It was such a confusing time back then. Then slowly I fell into that “light/crazy/fun” mood where everything is so funny. I’m awake, but am reminded of all the things I’ve done in the past that were so wrong, but so fun, before security cameras and caller I.D. The best of course was sending dead birds the cats brought into the house, to the corporate mental health executives. The best, sending a Blue jay to an executive named Jay. I couldn’t have been more proud of my cat that morning!
My friends continue to encourage me to write a book as they have enjoyed my antics and dark sense of humor throughout the years. It’s amazing to continue having the same friends throughout this mental illness – all of it. They get the bipolar stuff and most knew me with the Straight Inc. and try to make sense of the D.I.D., but who really can?