Sunday October 17
I’ve had perhaps six hours cumulative sleep in the past forty-eight hours. Apparently something is going around and I am rather sick enough that at night I cannot sleep. I get the most humorous thoughts during the time floating in and out of interrupted sleep. It reminds me of the un-medicated nights years ago when I would wake my husband with all sorts of what I felt were important tidbits of information he just had to hear at three in the morning. When he assured me that he no longer wanted to share in my thoughts at such an early hour, I moved on to my friends, most in different states. At first they were pleased to hear from me – they initially thought I was calling due to an emergency, medical or death in the family. But once I reassured them that all was fine, they listened politely to my greatest idea ever and were less than enthused by the end of our conversation as time went by. I guess by the second month or so, they asked that I start writing my great ideas in a letter and send it for them to read. Three o’clock was always the magical hour, my daughter reminded me the other day that I used to wake her up to watch repeats of Bonanza, a western T.V. show that aired from 1959 through 1973. She was in elementary school at the time. It’s amusing how some things never change. I will have pen and paper ready tonight should an earth shattering idea come to mind.
I looked at what I wrote a few days ago when I checked out and it is perplexing to me. I wrote: “White soft egg-shaped in the middle” “following his looks” and “no need to hide”. I find it odd to say the least. I do remember seeing the fuzzy whiteness and an oval shape; I assume that is when I wrote about it. I have thought about this and earlier incidents of “checking out” and wonder if it has become attention seeking behavior. But I am so strict with myself and so versed in psycho crap, I would be ashamed of such behavior. It’s like being a female and gossiping – I simply don’t do it and walk away when someone starts doing it. I’m passive and don’t confront, except when people start to gossip and then I do confront the offender and say I won’t listen to it and get up and leave the room. The question I have for Enemy Tuesday is why it happened, because I did say if there was going to be a problem, I could always check out, and that is precisely what I did. That really makes a strong case for planning ahead of time.
I am also concerned about my family and friends worrying about me – the last thing I want out of this experience. When I’m depressed or upset I seclude myself which has always worked in the past as they lead busy lives with work and family schedules. My sister is now back in my life which plays a pivotal part of gaining new information into my past. She calls most days and when I’ve checked out, she talks to me, and she will talk forever. This is truly disturbing because of course I have no idea what the hell is going on and she tells me when I get back to normal and it is only her version. I feel taken advantage perhaps? Now she becomes angry which I feel she should just hang up the phone and wait until the next day to call. My friends are more worried this time than earlier times I assume because of the frequency of this checking out. They already are aware of the suicidal stuff which is not an issue, yet they feel differently. I question if this therapy is worth all the problems it seems to be causing, however we did start therapy because of the same reasons that are taking place. It’s a catch twenty-two. Enemy did feel I was doing well enough to dismiss me a few weeks ago, so going solo is still an option I can only assume. It is something to really contemplate. Initially I thought therapy would enable me to obtain hope for a future with a career of some sort. I have no clue where I fit in, in society. People like me lord knows if stability can be maintained after the memories and what ever goes along with what Straight Inc. did resurfaces in a way no one will ever be able to put into words. And the common belief is “what did I do wrong” will never leave my mind. I think that is what is in the back of my mind, the other option of starting over. Knowing there is more out there. Being clairvoyant opens me to another world where I do belong.