Experiment 101

So, I am keeping a record of this evening and will delete after Wednesday.  An experiment if you will.  I have a small glass of cranberry juice and out of the blue decided to pour not even a shot of Vodka from Iceland.  A friend left it here.  I have been listening to Pink Floyd “The Wall” and it just puts me in a place some where long ago.  So, the experiment goes, if nothing is troubling me, except chat tomorrow, I should think all should go well without incident.  I haven’t been sleeping much, so it goes without noting.

Chat session is a problem due to his idea of “art” thing.  The medium is apparently perhaps a problem due to the fact that my mother is an artist and uses the same medium.  I asked my husband what to do about this problem, but I am unable to face the issue.  The only thing I can do is cancel and pay for the cancellation, which is fine, as is my pattern from years back.  It lies heavy on my mind.  I feel so overwhelmed.  I’ll be 50 in February and feel like an incompetent idiot.  All of my friends are successful in their chosen careers and I celebrate their success every time I see them.  I visit with my Bulgarian friend most often after Chat sessions because she is the cheeriest person I have ever had the privilege of knowing.  She has a degree in international business and still can’t find a job, yet works full-time in another field, owns her own business, and works part-time with another company.  She has the biggest smile when she see’s me walk in after my long drive.  Someone who came to the U.S. in her 20’s has accomplished all of this before she turned 38! 

Perhaps a little more to drink and off to bed.  7:00 isn’t too early.  This is an experiment.  Normal medication tonight, xanax and no Ambien.  Better put that away.  Aerosmith,

Led Zepplin, Kiss, Journey, Queens, so many great artists.


About crystallball7

Creative,some say "eccentric", dark sense of humor,sensitive. Never the same for too long. Running from lost time. Longing to be on the beach, at the ocean, New England. Afraid of life, extremely afraid of life.
This entry was posted in bipolar disorder, dissociative identity disorder, Dreams, Mental Illness, psychology; M.P.D., D.I.D., psychotherapy, "The Enemy",psychologist and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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