Dream My Life Away

In my unusual world, dreams can be entertaining which are usually twisted in such a fanatical way only I can interpret, some are the generic type – related to the everyday happenings, and the rest are understandably disruptive at times.  I’ve learned to live with the clairvoyant precognition dreams when I hit my teens.  Perhaps adolescents triggered the awareness more so, although I was aware of the clairvoyance early in childhood, but did not know that there was a term for such occurrences.

In the early 90’s I started working with my precognition dreams with a therapist (Enemy #1) who taught me how to go back to my dream the next night for further information.  I know this is highly unorthodox in the science arena, but they don’t live in my world.  A lot of my dreams always were of commercial airlines crashing.  I can only speculate why, but I keep that to myself.  During the time I worked on these dreams, I slowly learned to go back on the second night capture the same dream to obtain further information, as to the color of the plane and flight number, or as I got better, I could “ask” why the plane was going to crash or what was going to happen.  I most often dream in color, but never take note of the distinct colors of the planes back then.  There weren’t a lot of problems with commercial airlines in the 90’s thank goodness, but I also did pick up one local private little plane.  My daughter who was 8 at the time also dreamt of a private owned plane one night and the next morning it was in the newspaper.  Crazier things have happened.

As I became more medicated especially with antipsychotic drugs, my precognition dreams slowly became less and less.  I don’t know if this is a common side effect.  We were working on the dissociative stuff and my relationships with the world – seems like I’m doing that now!  Recently I decreased a couple of my medications by 25 mgs. The antipsychotic medication I just cleaned up by taking 2 – 100 mgs. – instead of cutting a 300 mg. tablet to modify it to what I guessed as an equivalent of a 200mg. tablet.  One medication I decreased was Topomax.  A lot of people call it “Dopomax” because of so many negative side effects such as visual, memory trouble, concentration, trouble thinking of the right word & other speech problems.  It’s a real fun drug, especially when you are in a middle of a sentence and you are trying to pull up the word you can see in you mind, but it doesn’t come out! After a year I stopped talking to people I didn’t know on topics about current events I had read in the paper or had heard on the news, because I simply couldn’t remember the details that once were my world.  But with this disability, you learn to take the bad with the good.

I believe due to the changes in my medications, perhaps my dreams have become a little active or maybe I’m just sensitive to two particular dreams that are reminiscent of the past.  Enemy #1 always said to keep a small notebook by the side of my bed to record dreams if I so desired.  It was always my decision.  I do keep a piece of paper in a drawer, but the dream I had last week was too eerie to put into words and has taken me this long to decide to write about it.  Then I had another, different dream, a lucid dream this morning which was so like ones I’ve had in the 90’s that really made me feel like I was losing my mind.  The thing about lucid dreams and D.I.D. work, is they can be alter “attacks” in my screwed up mind since there is little left to mess with (headaches, appetite, physical, etc.)  Again, I do very much wish I could dream of lottery numbers!

The dream/encounter I had last week was that of the couple who my husband and I have only known for a couple of years through our HOA Board – Jessie who committed suicide and Don her husband.  In my dream Jessie came to me and wanted to relay a message to me to give to her husband.  Jessie and I were looking down at Don and I could feel “overwhelming confusion” all over like fog had set in, the colors of the dream were in grays all except Jessie who was wearing the color Red.  I found it very odd.  I asked her how Don would know that the message was true, because he barely knew me, and she was dead.  I asked her to give me something to tell him that only he would know, then he would know that her message was valid. I felt in the dream very sensible, but when I woke up, I didn’t know what the message was.  I really don’t think I would have the nerve to tell this father of 2 young children that his wife came to me with a message.  It’s crazy for one thing and who in their right mind would ever dream this?  I’m perplexed with this one.  Hell, the message could be the key to the shed is under a rock!  I doubt I will have another dream with Jessie in it.  I have always felt when you die, you go through a process and it takes time before you are able to visit with the world in which we are a part of if you so wish, if it is your new role.  I hope she will be in her children’s lives from time to time – but that’s just me.  I just don’t want to be the “go between!”

The lucid dream happens to all of us. Lucid dreams mean you have control over the characters and environment of the dream as well as your own actions within the dream.  It’s like you are co-conscious of what’s going on during the dream state – my interpretation.  This morning I was trapped in a dream where I was at my house in Texas, an event took place and the dream ended.  But the scary part was before I could wake up the foreboding question was being impressed upon me “Where are you now?”  “Do you know where you are now?”  I knew I was in bed and my husband had already gotten up, I think I was aware of that, but I knew nothing else.  It was time for me to get up, but the only way I could be unleashed from this trapped mind was to remember where I was, as in what state and to come up with the house in which I was living in presently.  I was beginning to panic because I could not remember and I knew this and was aware that I was awake yet trapped.  I finally came up with Colorado and the panic released it’s self.  I’m a very visual person.  I couldn’t visually see the house that I live in now, just the house in Texas.  We’ve been working with our property manager in Texas and just got the house leased out, so that is the reference in the dream.  I don’t like dreams like these.  I used to wake up from time to time not knowing what season it was which threw me off, but I always blamed the medication.  Maybe I was just disinterested in life at the time.  My psychiatrists have never been concerned; the buzz words such as “Eccentric” and “Creative” have followed me throughout my files with the third kind – the psych. world.

The story “Alice In Wonderland” was just a dream written by Lewis Carroll when he was sick for a period of time.  Just imagine all the crazy artists who have created works of art, literature, music, etc. who woke from a dream and put their dream on paper.  I may not be far off.  There just seems to be that delicate balance before the normal sec thinks you need to be medicated or your medications need increasing!!!

Dreams.  I like falling asleep hearing the ocean, seagulls and palm trees catch the wind.

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About crystallball7

Creative,some say "eccentric", dark sense of humor,sensitive. Never the same for too long. Running from lost time. Longing to be on the beach, at the ocean, New England. Afraid of life, extremely afraid of life.
This entry was posted in bipolar disorder, dissociative identity disorder, Dreams, Mental Illness, psychology; M.P.D., D.I.D., psychotherapy, "The Enemy",psychologist, Topomax and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Dream My Life Away

  1. I'm DID & so am I says:

    Dreams can be so mysterious. I can only imagine what you felt like.

    I’ve been on different meds that have messed with my mind also. I was on “Dopomax,” and dumber than a bucket of rocks! I’m on Lamictal now. Another med that put my brain in a straight-jacket was Prisiqu, only good thing about it, I wasn’t suicidal. I was on it two months. I no longer have any dream since I’ve been on Ambien.

    There will never be an exact science when it comes to drugs for mental illness. We’re all guinea pigs, at least that’s how I think of it.

    jo

    • Hi Jo,

      I love Lamictal – it has been the cleanest drug so far – no weight gain or any side effects, except when I adjusted it from 75mgs. to 50 mgs. You can tell when you have forgotten to take it by the wierd noise in your ears. Ambien has turned out to be a nightmare for me of course – watch out. Years ago, however it was the only means for sleep. I also take Seroquel – the only non-generic so far. I don’t know how people can be treated without insurance.
      I want to read your blog when I get back – I’ve got to go to “Chat” in 5 minutes – not comfortable. Sometimes I think it would be more comfortable if I could bring my dog!

      • I'm DID & so am I says:

        I’ve heard Ambien doesn’t work for some. I’ve been taking it for at least eight years. I’m on 200 mg of Lamictal. I think it’s finally helping, at least today!
        jo

  2. 床墊 says:

    Great site, though I would love to see some more media! – Great post anyway, Cheers!

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