No chat session today. It’s nice to have breaks – I’d prefer months at a time. I read blogs of those who are going through this type of psychotherapy and wonder if they feel like a “puppet”? It’s a word that has been tripping through my mind today.
I have to re-evaluate why I am doing this. Initially I thought it was time to accommodate the needs of my husband and daughter – to be normal in this society. I’ll never be completely normal, I’m too creative to be technically “normal” in this world. Having the Bipolar Disorder just adds extra flair to my abnormality. I accept this. I’m having difficulty with the concept of being manipulated the first 18 years of my life and now having the same principle parts being manipulated again. I question why would I want to do this?? Last week Enemy wanted me to do something I did not want to do. I have resisted for a long time, but went along with it because I want to get this experience (therapy) completed as soon as possible. It left me extremely uncomfortable. There is no one to talk to but a bottle of pills. Such a contradiction – I take the least amount of medication for my Dx. and have never abused medications, I delivered my second child without any medications, yet since January I seem to have this obsession.
Time. I don’t want to think about chat session after I leave Boulder. Employees leave work and basically try not to think about their jobs until the next day. That is my goal. The first episode of therapy in the early ’90s with Enemy #1 was so clouded with D.I.D. thoughts and getting a handle on the Bipolar disorder I felt like a walking psych. lab. I was going to school full-time, raising 2 daughters and towards the end, entertaining out-of-state & Canadian employees from the company my husband was employed with. During the beginning of the dissociative therapy, I became obsessed over this new diagnosis. I read Colin Ross’s book on D.I.D. (he’s a bit crazy now) and tried to learn about this condition. Initially I was skeptical. I essentially kept so busy that I had little time to feel the changes that were going on inside, which were happening. When I went to chat sessions, they had ample time to communicate due to the 1 ½ hours set aside and perhaps because I was not as inclined to work on this at home as I once did at the beginning. Everything just fell in place after an adjustment phase with Enemy #1. True, I had Dr. Colin Ross’s clinic (?) close by and was able to talk to one of the nurses when ever I had questions or ran into difficulties and I had my insurance help line in the earlier stages. Enemy #1 and I did talk once a week by phone on top of our appointment addressing the Bipolar issues that were not readily brought up during my 1 ½ hour appointments.
It was Saturday; four days after chat session that I finally got over the anger of falling for what I’m sure was a “Plan of attack” by the Enemy- my current Enemy. Perhaps I should rename him the “Puppeteer?” I don’t know. Maybe I’m tired. Extremely lonely contrasting with the outside world among many friends and stable relationships – where ever do I fit in – or do I?
That remains to be seen.