Suicide

An acquaintance committed suicide a few days ago, she was in her twenties.  Her husband is left with a baby who is about eight months old and a toddler.  They said it was not unexpected, but no more details for now.  We are skipping the funeral.  I really don’t know how I feel about it.  I feel sad for her.  I know the family will go on with life, etc.  I hope I don’t sound callous.  I just hope she wasn’t in pain for a long time before she left our world.

Someone wanted to know about depression I said the only way I can describe suicide is like swimming against a heavy current and becoming so tired, you no longer have the strength to fight it because you’ve come up for air enough times that it has become easier to let the waves take you further from shore.  By the time you succeed, you have been so numb you can’t think what “final” really means.

            Chat Session Today – Tuesday

Again, seems like little to no progress.  I again offered to get drunk to see if that would help.  It seems the harder I try, the worse it gets.  Enemy starts his questions with “Do you sense….”  I just cringe!  I don’t sense anything!  I don’t understand most of what he asks’s me the whole 45 minutes.  It is the most excruciating pain mentally I have to go through every week.  I understand the alters’/moods/personalities are color’s and are like most people who have  MPD/DID children/young to adolescent , so why does he continue to ask me if I want to do something like art therapy – of course I will say “no”.  There are other questions he will continue to ask and I know I am not going to participate with him, it is so apparent to me when I leave, why doesn’t he get it?  I never asked my two kids to clean their rooms – I told them!

But that is Enemy’s call.  He is the one with the experience and degree.  I’ll just continue to do as I can as safely as I can.  Waking up a day later than expected at times I assume could be a concern or maybe progress.  I feel as long as I don’t get into the car and drive, talk on the phone or use the computer, I am doing as much as expected.  If I am not progressing, I am sure he will dismiss me soon enough, which will be fine at this point as I have no trust with this particular episode in my life.

No humor for today.  Bless my acquaintance where ever she may be.  May her star forever be bright and shine over the sea, catch the waves, carry her whispers forever.