An eventful few days had by all, I can only assume. I still have no specifics and will not ask. Sometimes glimpse of windows of seconds of memories will pass through my mind and escape as quickly as they appear.
What ever the trigger that was building, I needed to escape and sleep early Sunday evening. I took my night medications and a few extra Xanax. This time I slept downstairs where it is dark and secluded. When I woke up in the morning and turned the T.V. on to the weather channel they kept showing the weather for Wednesday. I couldn’t understand why Monday was skipped over. I got this eerie feeling, but felt kind of dreamy while flipping around the channels. What was weird I found Dragnet which I had been thinking about recently, so I decided to watch it instead of looking for Monday. Maybe I was a tad bit sedated or just in a great mood, but I was elated at this find! During the commercials I would flip to CNN, but no mention of Monday and you know – I really didn’t care.
Then….my husband came downstairs. Bad news – other than I can’t pause 1 Adam 12 – (which was on now) he told me I had an appointment in 2 ½ hours with Enemy! I said that it was on Tuesday. Yeah – the day was Tuesday. I said I would cancel and pay for it, not a problem. For some reason it did not concern me that Monday simply vanished at this point. I think my drugs were still cruising happily in what ever mind I have left. Nope, my husband was going to escort me in! Fuck! I was fine, but perplexed at how I slept an extra day.
Enemy had nothing much to say. I did check the plant in the corner in the office. He had over watered it. I wanted to share with him the two programs I found on T.V., but felt that possibly it was the wrong time. It’s like you’re at the principal’s office, you have to pretend you are listening and in reality you are miles away wondering where Monday went. Hell, who knows how much stuff I took. My husband did say he found one of our cats in my sewing room. It’s more of an IKEA room. It’s gorgeous; I just finished painting and decorating it this past winter. I remember seeing the road in front of our house was wet. I asked either my husband or Enemy if it had rained Monday and the answer was “yes”. I feel like I’ve done something very wrong when this happens, so I don’t ask questions, they just volunteer things that I did or things that happened. I wrote something for Enemy on index cards that he and I cannot read thus far. He said he will tell me when he figures it out. I ate 4-5 pieces of raisin bread. I did take the house phone completely apart, so no phone calls were made. I’m a gentle soul, so no one ever gets hurt except me from time to time. I want to go to a batting cage and hit a lot of baseballs and get rid of this anger I feel so much. But I will be even angrier because I’ll never be able to hit a ball! Perhaps Enemy will help with this problem.
So the outcome is I am to call Enemy before I decide to take this measure to escape from this behavior. Why? He can’t understand the need to leave this feeling that is beckoning me. He can study abnormal psychology for years, but he will never understand what ever it is that builds up that I need to extinguish now, not after I call him. He was never in Hell. You can Google StraightInc all you want and what ever else, but when this fear and what ever else hits, I have to escape. And people like Enemy can get you committed. End of story.
Good News!!!! Insurance CO. decided to let me continue to see Enemy and they will pay in network! They decided I was special! No more $135.00 a session. I will have a small deductible of course. I can’t believe Insurance CO. cares about a client. So there is always a bright star shining in my very own universe called “Monday” somewhere.
As far as D.I.D. goes with all of this behavior, I’m not sure at all. Perhaps I will ask next Tuesday.
The Double Bind is a book I just finished reading by Chris Bohjalian.
It’s a psychological thriller. I was totally unprepared at the end of the last chapter!
It makes me question my own illness. The pictures are breathtaking.