Chat session continues at an unproductive pace. The email had no substantial meaning. Enemy suggested for the umpteenth time trying to do this art thing during chat session. I just try to smile and say “no” while that little voice we all have in the back of our head – you know the one – is saying “Fuck No! What the hell? You need to stop fucking with me and this crap” I hope I’m conveying a genuine smile while I’m pushing this thought away. I did share a “random thought” for the first time. Enemy brought up something about what would make this communication easier, perhaps? I offered drinking. It just came up as a most splendid idea! He thought not. I thought it was a brilliant idea and was getting all worked up about it, not holding back. He didn’t think it was a good idea, blah, blah, blah. I interjected that change was good. I was even picturing a blender on the table! Really, I was so excited, if he only knew who he was talking to, he would have been amazed. But it was time to go, and I doubt he caught it. The rest of the session I cannot remember or it was boring at $135.00 for 45 minutes. My husband is a little ticked when he asks what I did and I don’t remember. Maybe I should make something up or he shouldn’t ask right after he pays the electric bill. I did take a couple of pieces of paper and a pen to chat session this time to take notes, but there was nothing earth shattering to note, instead I just kept doodling the same doodles I’ve always done, continuous triangles going in one circle. Productive perhaps?
I’m beginning to understand why Vincent Van Gogh cut his ear off. I feel most strongly he was seeking psychological guidance. No one knew at the time or even knows now because of client confidentiality. Like me, Vincent was lacking in progress with his chat sessions also and due to this exact same behavior, his therapist kept encouraging Vincent to paint a picture while talking about his relationship problems. But being a creative crazy person like me, Vincent finally had had enough of his therapists request and thus couldn’t bear to literally hear the same request over and over again to paint a picture, so he just cut his ear off. But in our century it’s called “self mutilation”. I’ve only pierced my ears. I admire what Van Gogh did, on a scale of one to ten; I put it at a ten, above the birds I sent to the mental health CEO’s in the mail. The biographies also say that Vincent gave his severed ear to a prostitute, but therapists come in all disguises, who’s to know?
I believe my version, living on the inside of my crazy world and having first hand knowledge of the creative mind. My world is truly a fantastic world when no one is looking. Our antipathy towards the psych. professionals as creative soles, are understandably valid. Drug us up and our creativity is impaired yet we now fit into the “human world” as they deem normal. Let us be neurotic and sometimes throw in a little psychotic behavior and we are crazy and unfit for society, yet we know this is the only time we are truly able to express our passion through our creativity. We are awake and alive with so much emotion that it is incomprehensible as to why anyone would want to take this away. I honestly do not believe there is a 50/50 balance when it comes to a mental illness and creativity. I believe there should be a 40/60 benefiting the mental illness. Cutting an ear off may be a little drastic, sending dead birds to CEO’s of mental health insurance companies may not be the best means of communications, but medicating creative individuals until they are content, well-adjusted and nolonger even a little suspicious of society and the “human world” is just not fair to anyone who enjoys our creative gifts. O.K. I still insist the birds were gifts if they are still looking for me!
Enemy did have perhaps good news – Insurance CO. has contacted him about my appeal. It has been a month since they have received it. We still are not holding out for hope, but it is nice that they did perhaps read it. I would say more, but my husband said companies run programs 24-7 perhaps called “Spyware” that collects all information on the net that has their particular name or key words on search engines. So, it is highly unlikely they will hit or care what is on blogs, but I will play it safe.