August 5, 2010
Skipped chat session this week, however did talk to Enemy a day after my regularly scheduled appointment. He probably wished he had not called. I in my most infinite wisdom at the moment when I left the message to call me, thought he may have the answer as to what I could do to “wake –up” in time for a 1:00 dental appointment I had scheduled. I simply left a message to call me, not saying why. He of course calls when I get to my appointment. I couldn’t call back because I don’t like using the phone and reasoned that he wouldn’t return my call after late afternoon.
He calls and I explain about taking some medication, I’m not sure if I mentioned all of what I took because it is irrelevant since I am now fully awake, but that I am tired of my husband thinking he is always right. I’m sure Enemy hears that phrase all of the time. The end result is he will talk to my husband and also my sister who lives in Florida. This may speed up the chat sessions perhaps?? I’m up and down emotionally lately. Most of the time that’s fine, but late summer seems worse. Tuesday night I took over 6 mgs. of Xanax, 5mgs. of Ambien and all of my bipolar medications plus I drank a little Vodka that my friend left in February. I remember that, it is awful! If I wake up, I usually take more with no memory. Apparently I had hic-upped the entire night, labored breathing and when my husband came home at 1:30 A.M., he could not wake me up. I think I reached my optimal sleep euphoria finally. If I ate there were no indications what so ever. Yes – there was a pre-cursor to this event. My husband on Sunday was not happy with me about a small incident and Monday we were told that a relative had lived in our rental house in Texas without our permission which is always a hot topic. But I was already on a downward spiral and was holding on until he would go to work Monday afternoon. Sleep is my only way out. Everybody has their vices in life and I just can’t turn my energy perhaps (?) off from wanting to harm myself permanently.
This may sound selfish, but I want so bad at times to finish this life and go where it is I’m supposed to be. As a kid I always felt that I didn’t belong in this world. This human world. I don’t know, being a little clairvoyant probably didn’t help. I’ll write about my weird dream next week. Highway 20 the strangest dream since chat sessions started. I have a book titled “The Instruction” Living the Life Your Soul Intended, By Ainslie MacLeod. It’s interesting. I read a little of it last year. Maybe I’ll pick it up again.
So, I have been told that I will be taken to the hospital the next time I am unable to be woken up by my husband. I thought about that. A few years ago two cops came to our door and wanted to speak to me – only me. It seemed this career teacher I had a class with 3 times had felt I was suicidal. First, the class started out with 12-14 students and the 2nd week only 3 showed up. Red Flags??? She boasted that this was the best time in the economy to be unemployed because the job market was going to open up and there would be so many jobs available , we would not know what hit us. Everyone from the railroad industry to the steel industry people would be retiring and the jobs would be opening up all over the United States. This one guy wanted to start a band and support his wife and child and he was in his thirties! She was encouraging him while pulling up houses on the internet for me to look at in New England because I had said my husband may be able to work remotely. She was a real piece of work. I mentioned that I knew I was there for a reason and just needed to figure out what that reason was. True. A career professional should guide you towards a career in which you would find the job satisfying and at least some what interesting and challenging even for someone like me! Well somehow she equated that as I’m suicidal and thus the cops came to my front door one night. Thank God for TIVO. We hit “Pause” while watching Wife Swap (wish they would do Dog Swap!) and went to the door where they would only talk to me outside.
The conversation went something like this:
Cop: Hello my name is Hottie #1.
Cop#2 “I’m Hottie #2
Cop#1: We’ve been called out here because someone is concerned about your health.
Cop #1 How are you feeling?
Me: (Yummy!!!) No – I feel fine, who called?
Cop# A concerned party. She said she thought you may be suicidal. Do you have any
intentions of harming yourself?
Me: No, not at all. Why would anyone say such a thing? I went to her class to plan a
future. (these cops are super hot!!! Wonder if they can watch T.V. with us?!)
Cop#1: This is just a courtesy call. We have to check on all suicide (?) calls. Are you
sure everything is fine and you are in no danger to yourself?
Me: I’m sure I’m fine. (I’d love to jump your bones!)
Cop#1: If you feel like you would like to talk to someone, we could take you to the
Psych hospital, etc.
Me: I’m fine. (But if you hold me, I’ll feel better!!!) (what’s it like to make out in
your car with the lights and siren going all at the same time???)
Cops#1: If there is anything we can do for you, don’t hesitate to call. And he hands me
After they leave and the anger subsides in regards to the crazy teacher, I realize what gorgeous cops we own in our town! We pay taxes, thus we own these adorable beings. I never see our night cops. Hottie #2 didn’t say a word! Did he think a blond crazy person may want to jump his partner and he would have to protect my cop #1? Hindsight, I could have gone with them just for the ride. My shrink would have waved the mandatory 24 hour stay knowing me so well. I curse myself for not taking pictures!
Humor, I need it this week. Back to work with the Enemy next week.