July 22, 2010
Last week after chatting with the Enemy I remembered I still had letters that my husband and I had exchanged throughout the two years we were a part during high school in the late 70’s. I read the few that survived all of the moves we have made since 1979 and the ones my father did not have access to – I found that he had been taking some of the ones I wrote and never put into the mail for my husband to receive. Enemy said that anything that I thought that could help with the chat sessions that I could provide, would be helpful. Since I have a very difficult time of openly verbalizing most of what happened in my past either because I cannot remember during the time I am in the office or because I’ve been conditioned not to repeat anything that was said or has happened to me or who ever, there may be significant information in writing from my past.
The letters we exchanged while I was in the hospital were very interesting. They were predictable as two teenagers coping with the situation at hand. And then one letter out of no where my husband writes something about it not being a good idea for me to run away. I was very surprised to read that letter because I found the hospital stay to be the only constant in my life during my two and a half years before I left Florida. If I didn’t know about the assault, I would have not a clue as to why this subject came up in a letter compared to all of the rest of the letters for six months. I talked about “moods” but what teenager doesn’t have moods? Where in the Multi-axial system (The DSM-IV organizes each psychiatric diagnosis into five levels (axes) relating to different aspects of disorder or disability) does it say teenagers with mood swings are mentally impaired and therefore should require a DSM-IV diagnoses? I’m talking back in the late seventies when insurance companies were not involved in requiring psychiatrist to play by Their rules! But all in all, Enemy said the letters were helpful. Additionally I dropped of a few journal entries from 1986 perhaps? I really could not remember what I dropped off because it was almost a week prior to my chat session. There should be a sign at the door that reads “Check in your memory at the door” because it seems I do that quite well!
This is what I remembered of my chat session. I parked well. I paid and had five minutes to spare! It had just started to rain on my way home. Enemy talked a little about Straight again because I had copied a portion off of the net about the phases. Talked about the hospital maybe? I mentioned that I found the “running away” to be of interest. We moved onto the journal entry, moods of some sort. I continue to try to convince him that medication was the cause of the moods at the time. Enemy contradicting me of course – he believes this dissociation started a long time ago. I really don’t know what else was said except something about a picture I had drawn in the 90’s that was part of the package I had dropped of. The picture was just I believe one or two small circles, one colored in light yellow with grey perhaps? Something I did with my previous Enemy in Texas. The picture means absolutely nothing to me but I believe that is when Enemy was talking and my mind was probably onto the doorbell project.
For $135.00 a session, I do try to stay with the topics of the session, but I find my focus straying for longer periods of time. I don’t know if he can see that I’m not really following him as I once was. I can hear myself asking a question once in a while, but I’m really off thinking of things I’d rather be doing. My latest preoccupation is having a doorbell installed on the inside of my house. This came to me the other day when I saw a solicitor on our block and I had to run into the house and hide until he went away. My husband later told me it was a Politian – same thing. So here’s my idea, when ever a solicitor rings my doorbell from outside my house, I want to ring back just for the hell of it! Little obscure thoughts just cruise through my mind during chat sessions more and more often. Sometimes it’s hard not to laugh out loud!
I just want this whole chat procedure to run its course and wake up from this nightmare. Last night was difficult. I felt entangled in a situation I had no conception of where I had been before. It was just an overwhelming feeling without any cause. I was home as my husband was at work for the evening, nothing out of the norm. It just hit me slowly and steadily at first. It was too early to just shut the house down and try to go to sleep – even with my usual evening medications; I doubt it would have been easy. I could not start a new book because there would not be enough focus to follow a paragraph. The cats were out chasing bugs and would put up a fight if I tried to end their evening of hunting prematurely. So I watched endless shows on T.V. until I could justify to the cats that the bugs actually came out of a Friskies cat food can and I just opened the can just for them! I don’t know what bribe I will use next time, but they came in. I ended up only taking one extra Xanax. Things just get so overwhelming I wish we could do the chat sessions without discussing the past. I have so much unknown anger at times. Maybe I could fill a bunch of balloons with water and just start tossing them at the politicians who keep ringing my doorbell??? Is that called “anger management”?
Humor – I will always find away to bury myself away from the outside world and enjoy creating sanity within. Hum… what DSM number does that follow under?