” iF “

                                        “ iF “

July 14, 2010

I completed my appeal to insurance company and mailed it late last week.  I’ll post another page below.  It was difficult justifying the reasons why I should be granted a professional psychologist to work with who has the Dissociative Identity Disorder. training.  I had to state my case and pull up personal information which really isn’t what I care to do.  I looked through a D.I.D. book I have, to get some idea of what the  review board may be looking for, which drives me crazy because I don’t want to be reminded of anything to do with this disorder.

I recently learned of an event that took place while I was in the private psychiatric hospital in 1977.  I was assaulted.  I have no memory of this event and I want to understand why it happened.  I remember so many of the events that took place while I was a patient.  I have a lot of memories and cannot believe I would not remember such a traumatic event.  This was the main theme of the chat.  How could this happen and I not know?  My sister told me about this and said she heard about it right after it happened.  I would come home on the weekends and no one ever mentioned it to me, then again my family barely spoke to me.  My sister added that I was always doped up.  She said that the staff said I was O.K. with this “man” who was found with me in the morning.  I’m like “Really???”  How in the hell is a 16 year old child O.K. with an adult?  I am perplexed. Why I’m just hearing about it now?  I have only been with my husband.  Sometimes I get perturbed with the mental health providers when I say that and they don’t believe me. If this happened, I would have known, especially the next day.  D.I.D. or not, you just don’t walk away and say “oh well”.  What about pregnancy?  I thought back and remembered the blood tests, but that was normal for drug levels.  I have tried everything to recall events, yet this one will not surface.  I know the morning routine changed while I remained in the hospital only with me which has always puzzled me, now perhaps adds another piece to the puzzle.  A female would know if this had happened.  I cannot understand why I don’t know.  Perhaps the staff was instructed to keep me sedated for a period of time.  No one ever said a word.

Most people say to leave things alone.  If it’s meant to be, let it be.  I believe my mind protects what I simply should not know that will harm me.  We all process trauma in our own ways and proceed with life sufficiently.  That’s what humans do.  There is a learning curve I assume.  Apparently I have not processed this particular event if it is true. What is odd is that I have had an on going problem that could be associated to this event that only started 19 years ago – when the HMO’s requested their clients to go to mental health providers is when everything from the past resurfaced. With this particular event I don’t believe there is a trigger at all.  How to explain my particular problem perhaps due to this event  would be like  flying on an airline, a few of the trips are fine, than out of nowhere, I feel like I’m in an airline that is crashing, for no apparent reason. I’ve managed to keep this from the pilot.

Who really knows everything that has happened in their life span?  Our minds keep potentially harmful memories locked away for good reasons I believe.  And if the memories do escape, the pharmaceutical companies thrive on those effected, and everybody lives happily ever after.

So chatting with a male is so-so.  I do wish I had options when I want to speak on certain topics.  I feel like I have to convince him and others that I would never compromise myself ever, because that is not who I was at that time or have ever been.  If I had known any of this, I would have taken all of the pills they gave me when I left the hospital. I was in the hospital because I was suicidal due to my husband’s move to Texas.  So, the result of the chat was there may be a “part” of me that can recall what happened.  To that I said that there is probably a reason why I don’t remember – my brain/mind is protecting me.  Does Enemy ever get tired of listening to my resistance?  Last night I did not sleep well. I have added .05 mgs. of Xanax to my cocktail of medication at night when I haven’t fallen asleep after an hour.  I take so little compared to most people with the Bipolar disorder. It is for sleep.  If I take Ambien at this point I will incur some major problems. This is not unusual after chat sessions if I bring up a subject I shouldn’t I assume.  As to the dream that was presented to me, it was in reference to the color red.  If I can remember, 8 is associated with red and red is an “alter” as D.I.D. specialist’s call it.  But where the 8 comes from I am unsure.  I don’t know if it is referenced to age or my crazy number system.  I (if I am “red”) was hiding under a stairwell; there was another girl, and a mental health person, & abandonment issue.  All muted colors but one predominate red.

It’s a crazy world – what can I say?


Appeal – I wrote this and then added a few reference pages about StraightInc.:




Why I have chosen to enter into therapy.


            It has become difficult to continue putting aside the memories and terror I feel from the past.  I’m losing time, waking not knowing where I’ve been.  I have never processed the rage, anger, helplessness – too many emotions for me to know – of the program described below and have included on the next page.  I have withdrawn significantly since my husband and I returned from our Florida trips.



Straight, INC

I chose Dr. ***** to work with because he is highly qualified in trauma/ PTSD.

I was 17 years old when my mother chose to put me into Straight Inc. I must make this clear – I had and never have taken illegal drugs or substances EVER.  I had and have the Bipolar disorder.  My psychiatrist was in the process of admitting me back into the hospital in 1978 after my prior 3 months stay.  My mother did not want the expense and stigma of having a child with a mental illness in the family; therefore she found a place to hide me until just short of my 18th birthday.  Straight was not Federally subsidized; therefore those concerned for my welfare were unable to get me out of the program. I would sit for nine months without medication. The literature does not tell all that happened in the seventies.

I understand every human has a childhood marked with internal and external stressors.  We learn to adapt in many various ways, culturally , demographically, learned and inborn.  To be successful in our society you are able to recognize your emotional states and to manage and adapt to the situations accordingly.  Unfortunately, processing trauma as adaptive functioning as a survival technique I found that worked for the first  18 years of my life, does not comply with my emotional well being in our society .

I don’t want sympathy.


About crystallball7

Creative,some say "eccentric", dark sense of humor,sensitive. Never the same for too long. Running from lost time. Longing to be on the beach, at the ocean, New England. Afraid of life, extremely afraid of life.
This entry was posted in dissociative identity disorder, Mental Illness, psychology; M.P.D., D.I.D. and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to ” iF “

  1. Pingback: Mental Disorders 101

  2. Sam Ruck says:


    I’m so sorry for what’s happened in your life. I hope you are able to win your appeal.

    You have a right to be angry about what happened to you in the health clinic. Those people should have been charged and strung up for allowing that to happen to you!


    • The appeal – It’s a shot in the dark. We knew when I started this challenege that it was not covered,
      so we’ll see what happenes. I hope it will go our way!
      The hospital was such a long time ago, and the funniest thing, I look fondly at my stay there. They
      called it the Hilton at the time and it really was quite the place to stay, especially in regards to my
      health at the time. It is of course unclear what exactly may have happened. Perhaps something
      criminaly was done – you would think so. Humor is my recourse and will be during this process
      as the chat sessions continue.

      Thank you for your thoughts.

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