My husband and I had a scare this past week. I went in for my routine mammogram a little reluctantly a week ago, especially after that incident a few weeks back. I tried not to think about the past ongoing events since the chat sessions began, so the “smash and squeeze” went as planned and I went on my merry way. I received the customary letter in the mail that usually says all went well and they will see me next year. But to my surprise this time the letter read: Your recent mammography examination showed a finding that requires additional imaging studies for a complete evaluation. This does not mean that you have breast cancer. We merely need to look at one or more areas in more detail.
That is one letter you do not want to receive in the mail, especially when I have a mother who had breast cancer. There were two things playing in my head the time between appointments, one, this is just an error, or two, this has to do with this therapy again. Sounds crazy, but this sort of thing happened in the 90’s and it was horrible. I am not one to go to physicians what so ever. I may see a physician once every 18 months and we have excellent insurance. Growing up in Florida I used to hear people talk about their ailments all of the time and vowed I’d never be one to do that and have never been one yet. One time I did go to my general physician and said that I had been having a headache from time to time and pointed to the spot where it hurt. He ordered an MRI and found a lesion exactly where I had pointed. It was old and nothing to worry about. In the 90’s when we first started with the therapy, my body started to experience physical symptoms that were uncommon after years of good health. A lot of nerves I know, but some bazaar. I just endured the discomfort; again I refused to go to a physician except for the stomach pain due to all of the medication and one other time. I’ve learned from years ago to just ignore physical annoyances and keep my mind busy. This is what I did as much as I could while I waited for my second screening, knowing it was my left little breast, which it turned out to be.
My husband and I came in for my appointment and waited just a few minutes. I went into the examine room first. The technician showed me the film and the spot they were most interested and I tried to be unconcerned as I thought of my mother’s surgery and such. More smash and squeeze and then the wait. My husband was allowed in to wait, an extremely long time. Finally she came back in and said we were in the clear – it looked fine. We’ve been living in a fog for 2 ½ days and since the results, we are still not quite back to normalcy. I’ve only told my daughter and best friend. I don’t know what to believe. Did they make a mistake the second time? Again, is this part of the D.I.D.? ? Logically of course it can’t be. Even the mind cannot produce something like that. I cannot give it any more thought as the other “problems” are slowly easing off. Nerves have a lot to do with your body, but I have been so careful not to involve myself in any self disclosure regarding how my “system” really communicates on a personnel level where the Enemy can gain access. That is where the harm lies in wait. In literature about the Dissociative Identity Disorder (D.I.D.) they mention Somatoform dissociation. I believe with somatoform dissociation, there are no medical tests that can back the physical claims. I believe whole heartedly that “alters” do distinctly have individual tastes, reasoning, vision, distractions, and interests and about everything each individual has in life. Unfortunately I can attest to this. It is getting more difficult to keep this under wraps during the chat sessions.
I read a lot of research studies in the regards to the function of the right brain last week and was fascinated with how the researchers placed the emotion of “anger” in the right-anterior region of the brain, which I believe in my case is still functioning! So my right side of the brain has the child alters, again if I am D.I.D. I’m still holding out on this diagnosis. What interested me most was that anger has been found to be associated with high levels of self-assurance, physical strength, and bravery thus making one feel self-confident perhaps. They perceive this heightened emotion then to be useful in coping with challenges and dangers.
When I decided to enter into therapy this last time, my main issue was this anger I have carried for a very long time. I am not an angry person. It is buried deep inside. But it is there and I want to rid myself of it before I complete my life here on this Earth. When I was searching for the functions of the right brain, I had no idea I would come across such studies. I wonder if Alters attach themselves to the right and left function of the brain. A child would have to be brave to endure a lot of trauma to develop several “selves” I would think. But that is far reaching. I didn’t delve in to research of the left anterior of the brain. Honestly I was trying to gather evidence about the positive traits of “anger” for the Enemy for the next chat session. I wanted him to back off and talk about something else. I am resistant to chatting about what brought me there, for what ever reason although I know this is the reason why I am paying $135.00 for 45 minutes of his time.
July 6, 2010
I will post this today. I went to my psychiatrist today to pick up my prescriptions and to pick up a letter for the TSA regarding having our two small breed dogs travel as Service Dogs on the airlines. It’s not very complicated when I’m hauling a carrying-on with 5-6 bottles of psychiatric drugs. We’ve been traveling with them lately more so and have found that my anxiety has decreased significantly and that I am more social. We will only travel by air with them when we go to Florida where my family is due to the distance and where the trauma of all traumas was staged throughout my first 18 years. With this ongoing “Chat” Florida will become more of a strain until we put all of the pieces back together in a positive light, if that is what I am to understand from the past crap mental health industry. Alcohol is not an option because there are way too many bridges to jump off of where my family lives. The Skyway Bridge is just one bridge close by – tempting though. I love my psychiatrist. He’s only three months younger than I. He’ll fill my scripts as much as needed to last a year and I won’t have to worry about going back. Really – not much changes when you’re diagnosed and stable. It’s up to me to determine if I’m going crazy again. That’s only happened once. The good old days. Once we hid the knives, and increased the medication, everything was fine. Wish he had returned my phone call the first week I called. He isn’t really proficient about calling back until you call a second time. But all the same, having a private psychiatrist it is well worth putting up with the hassle. We did have fun today in his office when another psychiatrist came in to get something out of the filing cabinet. He asked if it was alright to interupt – I was leaning on my psy.’s desk reading the drug perscriptions book and he was typing the letter for the TSA and without looking up he asked me if I had stopped throwing things at the walls. I said yes I had stopped throwing knives, but my machetti was in the car. This guy just looked at me! He was wearing pink pants and of course I had to mention that,but my psy. said they were going shopping together to get him a pair! Made my day!