June 24, 2010
Two weekly chat sessions and I am getting tired. I am the type who has to figure out why the Enemy is asking the questions he is asking. He made the statement that I probably have another diagnosis, leading me to believe I’m crazier than I thought initially. Having the Bipolar Disorder is fine – many brilliant people are blessed in history that are creative like me with this disorder. The D.I.D. / M.P.D. is not the disorder you want to talk about to anyone except those who know you intimately. We don’t share anything of significant value to society that I can gather except that nut in the movies which I have never seen and never will. I’m still losing weight, but not a lot – down to around 102 lbs. I’m just not very hungry – thank god for belts. I’m getting more agitated lately and my concentration is so-so. But I did finish reading two books which is really good.
Last week we talked about the different “moods” as I call the personalities or as the professionals call them “alters”. In the literature I have read, the people who have this disorder have names for their alters. I have colors. I didn’t choose this. I had no idea this disorder existed – who the hell would? But that is how it goes and so that was the topic last week. In the early ‘90’s I “mapped” out several of the alters I have. “Mapping” is a term meaning putting the alters in their own space so to speak of. Kind of like putting children in a seating chart in a classroom knowing their distinct personalities and where each sits and who likes who and who doesn’t sit near the bully and who shies away from who in the classroom. This is important for “Enemies” to get to know so that they can work with getting the bullies to stop screwing with the shy kids and to get the kids who protects the shy kids to allow the shy kids to have a chance to talk.
To take this one step further, the kids represent parts of the “host” which is the client – people like me, who have been traumatized throughout life and have put the trauma experiences into “parts” to hide from the world – the human world in my case. These parts created their own world unbeknownst to me for years, etc. I guess most people named their parts/alters names. I just put my fears into colors. I was in a program called Straight Inc. and could seldom if ever talk for 9 months. It was a brainwashing cult for drug abusers and I just had the Bipolar Disorder. Of course I grew up in a very dysfunctional family.
We went over maybe five or so colors. I wasn’t forthcoming as much as I had hoped to be. Who can remember after so many years? I’m still having physical problems which the Enemy could care less about. Waking up with an awful stomach ache is not at all normal for me and is apart of this process. He could at least take ownership because he is screwing around with this process. Again – Males!
This past Tuesday I was a nervous wreck and knowing I should have never taken Xanax before going into an appointment let alone driving 30 minutes on a highway, I did and what a disaster! It was that or cancel my appointment a forfeit my $135.00. The Xanax hit ten minutes before my appointment. Everything got really “soft” if you can imagine. I hurriedly found a coffee shop and started drinking a strong brew of coffee.
I made the mistake of telling the Enemy of my predicament, but better to tell than for him to think I’m stoned. So we end up talking about clairvoyant experiences. I have no idea why this subject continued for the length of the appointment. At least I think it did. I don’t remember talking about anything else except the T.V. turning on in my bedroom a few nights ago while I was asleep. Doesn’t help my objections of only having the BP and D.I.D. disorders – does it? I can only say it was freaky shit and I sleep with my back to the T.V. If you read up on this disorder there is a lot on delusions, illusions and schizophrenia, which I do not have. If I wasn’t influenced by the Xanax, I would have stopped the clairvoyant discussion quickly. I can always tell when I’m being played and this was the theme of the session. It’s a shame he doesn’t have two of my shrink files from the past. A lot of the experiences are documented as the clairvoyant events happened while I was seeing the mental health staff. It has never been my choice to be clairvoyant. So, driving home was nice, felt like I was on a cloud. Blond, blue eyed on sedative driving on a highway for 30 minutes, really cool. It is certainly out of character to take Xanax for me except at night. Perhaps I take .05mgs. 4-5 times a year during the day and I never drive. Things must be happening not in the most positive way. I also requested Ambien from my psychiatrist which is the one drug I O.D. on when it comes to Alter communication.
I want this therapy to work and to lead a productive life for my family. I am willing to work at this. But there is another part of me who wants the opposite. I have 8 Ambiens and now I will soon have more. Last week it was a struggle to not take a few and drink a little Vodka. That’s all it takes according to those who have been a part of this crazy world I escape to. I just lose a few days and wake up. But some how I know it will not happen perhaps in the near future because I don’t want it too.
Foot Note: My insurance denied coverage for my psychologist because “I’m not in imminent risk of harm to self or others”. They feel I can find a PHD. In network who can specialize in D.I.D. There are only 3 and 2 are not qualified. The third is on vacation and has a garden salad variety of crap he counsels on. Yeah – doubt he is qualified.