Getting to know the Enemy 5/2010

I have been to this “chat” for 3 times now.  I don’t call it therapy because there is not anything left to say.  Life has progressed and I have lived it.  I am there to deal with the inability to deal with mostly life in general and am losing time.  I have two daughters in their 20’s and a wonderful husband.

Part of this “chat” process is to show a trust relationship type thing with said “enemy”.  I don’t know what fool would come into an office for trauma treatment and just trust openly with “enemy”.  But this is what they expect, at least that is the impression I get at $135.00 and hour.  I’m no fool.  In fact yesterday I did mention this – finally.  Listening to 20 minutes of gibberish of  the same crap I’ve listened to countless times before – ” You are safe here……”.  I have sat just being nice and waiting for my time to trickle down and to get the hell out.

I like the question ” Is there anything you would like to ask?”  I go completely blank. I have a lot of questions.  Funny how that works.  They are nice and polite – I am a nice person.  I tell Enemy that I for some reason I cannot remember the questions.  He doesn’t seem surprised.  Dead air for another 2 minutes or so.  Of course today I know I should have said “Yes – Can I get the hell out of here?”  ” Why the fuck am I here?”  ” Do you know you irritate the shit out of me?”

But I sit with my legs crossed agonizing how to get out of this predicament.  I want to make this work, but am overwhelmed.  Bad dreams, warnings not to talk, losing weight, scared to even come in, things he cannot possibly know.  Yet I tell him.  The weight issue he will not be able to track.  Men .  Why do I say anything?  I don’t know if he is like all the others.  My last “Enemy” was good.  It just got to the most difficult part and my husband got a wonderful job opportunity and we moved out of state.  The others – burned out therapists, mental health employees I saw throughout the years were label happy and dismissive at best.  I was NEVER a pysch. junkie.  I hated them, but wanted to figure out what was going on that made me so unpredictable.  It’s difficult to have a career or establish relationships.  The only thing I had and have going for me is, is that I am very creative, have the Bipolar disorder and all people who know me say I am eccentric.  But if you add this to being a perfectionist, some how it is a dangerous mix.  I don’t know how or when this became a negative, but there was apparently a major “trigger”.  “Trigger” is a psych. word meaning something from the past attached with feelings found its’ way into the present when something with the same type of incident happened with the same emotion.  A Vietnam vet who hears a car backfire, hits the ground, thinking it’s a gun shooting.  That sort of thing.  Trauma from  childhood is a little tricky.  Blah, blah, blah.

So,
Life thus far has been good.

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About crystallball7

Creative,some say "eccentric", dark sense of humor,sensitive. Never the same for too long. Running from lost time. Longing to be on the beach, at the ocean, New England. Afraid of life, extremely afraid of life.
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